What’s up guys. 23 year old. I am having trouble seeing and internalizing my own value. For some reason i feel worthless and that I don’t matter. Even though in the grand scheme of things I don’t actually matter.

I don’t know if it’s my ego trying to defend itself all the time, but I always feel on guard, like I can’t ever just relax and take it easy. Always trying to win something when there really isn’t anything to win.

Broke up with my ltr 3 months ago and have just been fighting in my head to let go. I was codependent and got my sense of identity from being with her. Which I know now is not the best move. Even now, I know she isn’t the best for me, but I want her and would get back together her despite red flags and all that - so yes scarcity mindset. It’s rough because I know I have to let go but I really don’t want to at the same time.

But anyways now that we aren’t together , I’ve kicked up the self improvement and have been doing really well. I should feel great. I am still employed (first real full time job) , graduated from school, my body is on point but I am always working on it, picked up new hobbies that I enjoy (on pause due to quarantine), have travel plans (on pause due to Q) and I have my close friends and family who I can always contact and talk to and walk with during their quarantine time.

Essentially I am very blessed, but I still don’t feel good inside. I don’t know what to do.

I know I’m gonna feel shitty about the breakup for a while and time heals all wounds but this is just next level at times. I feel like a prisoner to my thoughts. They always revert back to her. Even when I catch myself slipping, it’s like she is my default. Terrible case of oneitis. Definitely need a new girl, but I’d like to try and find security and value in myself without the pussy. Nofap and noporn gets rough at times but I’m making it a personal mission to not engage in those activities.

Is it a forever journey to feel content or could I feel content now? How can I stay in the present moment and not be so concerned about my past and my future. I don’t know where all this pressure to be great is coming from, but right now I feel like my expectations for myself are way too high and that’s why I can’t ever feel good about my accomplishments.