I’ll start this by saying that I’m only 21. Because of some problems I had with my mom I’ve always told myself I was going to be the best wife and mother I’d ever seen. So from an early age I believed in the philosophies here. My first serious relationship really brought these qualities out in me — but I’ve never been able to pull it off perfectly. I think I’ve finally found the reason for that, and it’s insecurity.

Insecurity is childish but unfortunately it is not easily outgrown. I’ve always been a little insecure about one thing or another, and I would tell myself I’d never let it negatively affect my relationships. But it does, and while women cover up their insecurities in numerous ways it always surfaces, even in healthy relationships with zero infidelity. An insecure woman asks more from her partner than he needs to give, or thinks he needs to give. An insecure woman might think she needs more reassurance, recognition, and attention than is actually healthy and normal. And she may think that there is something wrong with the relationship when her needs for reassurance aren’t met. Insecure women often fail to acknowledge what their partner feels because they can only see what they themselves lack. And this leads to arguments — about effort, miscommunication, and the classic “who cares more”.

The sad thing is is that it is so hard for someone who deeply feels like they are not good enough to simply change their behavior. Nobody wants to be too needy. What works for me in the moment is when I feel like I am being too needy and it’s causing a problem with my boyfriend, I just shut up. Even if I want to say more. But obviously there’s still the underlying cause. Maybe you all have tips.