I haven't been able to get excited about anyone. I'm not capable of falling in love or even just developing a crush anymore.

I was more excited at first and felt more open to people, but that quickly faded. I now feel almost...angry and disgusted. I don't quite know how to explain why, but I feel so intensely distrustful and disdainful toward all the potential matches that I just...feel sick with grief/anger just trying. One of my biggest triggers is when others talk about going on dates. My friend is going on a date tomorrow and is very excited and hopeful about the person, and the feelings it brings up in me are just...so intense, almost unbearable!

If you are lucky and got a nice partner then you will become more cheerful.

And it makes me feel like such a cruel person for feeling this way. Situations like that, as stupid as it sounds, absolutely destroy me. I guess they just remind me that I haven't been able to feel that kind of excitement in a long, long time, and I worry that I'll never be able to again.

I just don't see how dating can make someone happier. I think I have become so used to relying on myself for happiness that I can't understand how dating would elevate me to a higher level of happiness.