Apologies in advance for the wall of text. Lockdown got me reflecting.

So, nearly a year ago, I broke up with my then partner of nearly 13 years. Since it's been nearly a year of blissful freedom, I've been reflecting on how I'd let myself become the proverbial frog slowly boiling to death in a pot, and how I finally decided to leave.

I was 17 and he was 20 when we started dating. It was the first significant relationship for both of us, and it was a cute little romance for the most part - we bonded over games, music and media - pretty typical stuff for a young relationship. We met at our part time job, and our relationship blossomed over in-jokes, mutual teasing and lots of stolen kisses. It was disgustingly cute and fun!

Right off the bat, my parents didn't like him. My parents insisted that he was someone far below my standards (I was academically strong, ambitious and driven), but I was naive and proud - I insisted that they didn't like him because he wasn't the same ethnicity as I was. While I still think this was a preference of theirs, it kills me slightly to admit, that they were right all along - they knew the daughter they raised, and wanted to (rightfully) gatekeep the best for their daughter. I was just too young and dumb to admit it.

During my Uni career, I was involved in lots of extracurriculars, and doing well in my studies, and transitioning into a career path. He was... very much the same - same job, same pay, same interests. Nothing really changed on his end, even as he was entering his mid-20s, he still held down the same part time job (which was practically minimum wage) which he was totally overqualified for (he'd trained for another technical pathway which would have been quite lucrative, but didn't want to use the degree because he disliked the work) and he had no interest in retraining into any other career. He also didn't drive, or have a license of any kind - our city is an extremely driving-centric city, and despite his workplace being quite far (40+ minutes by public transport) refused to learn a pretty essential skill.

All while this was happening, I wanted, deep down, to meet someone who matched me in skill, ambition or drive. I'd come home, and talk excitedly or complain about work, and he'd... endure my conversation. He never had anything to contribute or insight to offer because, he'd never experienced a formal workplace or dynamics in the same way. He couldn't relate to my passion for my work, and resented how much time it took away from us - and I resented him for not being excited with me. He had no drive or ambition of his own - nothing he was really making, mastering or anything, really.

In my early 20s, I suggested that we try moving away together, and to go work overseas for a few years (pretty common for young people in our country) - we could find jobs fairly easily in our fields, and I loved travelling and wanted to expand my horizons. He was a child of a single mother, and used her as an excuse ("I don't want to leave her alone!") to stay - his mother, bless her heart, actually loved travelling herself, and encouraged him to travel! She herself was independent and capable, and said that us being overseas would also give her an excuse to travel - and the assumption was, we'd eventually come back, but he would always shut this idea down.

In the last few years, I had some realizations about my career and life, and decided to swap career paths. My work now, is stressful and challenging, but I love it, and it gives me lots of meaning - but again, as I was transitioning into this career, I had more realizations about what I wanted from a partner, and exactly what I wasn't getting. Especially in the first few years of my new career, I'd come home, exhausted and mentally drained, and knowing that I'd be bad company, so I'd ask him for small requests -"Could you pick what we're having for dinner tonight? I just don't think I have the mental energy left to make a decision." and he'd agree - only for me to pick him up from work, get into the car, and ask me, what we'd be eating. This, drove me crazy - what I was asking for wasn't unreasonable or crazy, but he would never meet them, but act like I was the irrationally angry person for getting upset.

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I guess, what I'm trying to describe in this post is something like the sorites paradox - at what point, does grains of sand accumulate to become a heap? In this instance, at what point, does enough mediocre behavior start to constitute real LVM behavior?

I think there's a real danger in accepting mediocre behavior from someone who is just "okay", because you're tempted to make excuses and rationalize things. In reflecting on the course of our relationship, I realized how much rationalizing I did for him - partly because I had invested so much time into the relationship, partly because I was too embarrassed to confront the reality of the situation.

Things like, not having a real career or financial pathway - "It's okay, I just won't tie my finances with his, and he's got his own projects he's working on" - when really, it betrays a total lack of desire to provide or be financially stable, and those projects never materialized.

Things like not driving, or meeting me/picking me up from somewhere - "It's okay, I'm a modern feminist, why can't I be in the driver's seat! It's good for the environment that he takes public transport!" - GURL. He's too fucking lazy to learn a basic adult skill. Save your gas money, stop being his fucking mother and picking him up from everywhere.

Things like using his mother as an excuse when he didn't want to break out of his comfort zone - "It's because he's an only child! He really loves his mother!" - If he loves her so much, why the fuck doesn't he drive and actually drive her to places? Why doesn't he get a lucrative job, so that she can be financially comfortable? Why, during our relationship, was *I* the one getting lovely gifts for her?

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I think I'd known, for about the past 5 years that the relationship was going to have to end - it would have been like euthanizing a dying animal - sad, but also relieving. Over the past 5 years, our relationship got extra toxic, so much resentment on either side, but on my end, resentment that I couldn't even ask this person to grow, to become a better partner, because I'd been with them for the entirety of their 20s and early 30s, and look how little he'd grown. Past behavior is the best indicator of future behavior, and by that measure, all I could expect from his was stasis. He was often upset because I was so critical or demanding (because I made him feel like he was never doing anything correctly), and I was often so angry and resentful for his childishness, unreliability and lack of proactivity and ownership.

Our breaking point last year was when I decided to cycle off hormonal contraceptives, and try a copper IUD instead. At the doctor's office, the doctor suggests that we consider a vasectomy instead as an option, since neither of us are interested in children. He agrees, but I go ahead with the insertion anyway.

The following week, I reacted poorly to the copper IUD, to the point of it causing white-hot searing back pain. I was driving on the motorway on my commute home, and nearly passed out due to the pain. I called him, and begged him to please consider getting a vasectomy, and the IUD was making my life unbearable. He told me he would do some research, and we would discuss it over the weekend.

The weekend arrives, and - what do you know? He hasn't done one iota of research. He hasn't even opened the link of the website I had sent him, or looked at the pamphlet from the doctor's office. His excuse? "Oh, I thought we could do this research together."

What. The. Fuck.

The outrageousness of this statement hits me over the head. Firstly, this is a procedure performed on him - should HE be the one most interested in exploring the possibility of this option? Secondly, the utter disregard for my wellbeing - the fact that I was the one responsible for all of our contraceptive planning for the past DECADE, and the ONE time, I asked him to take some ownership, he decides to pass the buck again?

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This is when I ended our relationship for good. I refuse to look back. Here was someone who said that they valued me, but their words and their actions were completely out of sync. He valued me enough to have me around, but not to shoulder the burden or responsibilities of our relationship in a meaningful way.

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So: at what point does the grains of sand become a heap?

I keep circling back to another argument we had years prior. I was working towards a fitness goal, and had been disciplined about my diet for weeks. I was basically hungry, fro WEEKS, but I was determined! We went grocery shopping together, and I bought a box of cookies that I enjoyed (but he found gross). I left the cookies at his house, so I could enjoy them over the weekend while we were hanging out. I was really, really looking forward to the weekend!

Saturday morning, as I met him, he tells me that he has eaten all the cookies. "Well, actually, I left you a couple, but my mother ate those too." I was livid. He knew exactly how much I was looking forward to eating these cookies, and even though he didn't even like them, he ate them anyway. He had no intention of replacing these on his own ("We can just go get them now!") and couldn't understand why, I was so upset.

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The fact is, I was of value to him, but he didn't inherently value me. He could only express value in ways that benefited him, but never learned about what made me feel valued.

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These were small erosions over time, and on the surface, while all of this seems trivial, or small at first, they eventually accumulate, and you take stock and realize - this is not it. I'm boiling alive here.

I will say - ladies, it's hard, especially when you have a relationship that is the equivalent of sweatpants. It's comfortable, easy, and predictable. Great, if that's what you want for yourself, but is it enough for you? It's hard to walk away from long term relationships like this, because of your sunk cost, but really, the cost to your emotional, mental and physical health in the future, of staying in a mediocre relationship - just wasn't worth it, for me.

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So, in the past year, I've been great. I've been doing all the things I want to do, ALONE - travel, working out, socializing with friends, general leveling up - and I haven't had to worry about him. I realized, I can take care of myself just fine, and I don't feel guilty about spending my money on me. I'm my own best friend and life partner, and when I'm ready, I'll look for someone to share my life with. But when I do go looking, this time, I won't settle for mediocre. Never again.

If you've read this far, thanks for reading this ramble. I've told piecemeal versions of this to my friends, but there's something comforting about sharing this with internet strangers. If you're considering leaving a mediocre relationship and you're wavering - feel free to message me. Maybe this resonates with someone, if it helps at least one person, I'll be pretty happy with that.