Maybe catching feels for an acquaintance

glittersparklesglitz · 2020-02-21T16:19:36+00:00

Texting gives you a false sense of intimacy.

traditsh · 2020-02-21T20:03:07+00:00

The handbook has a good article on LDRs: https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/el2aeb/lets_talk_about_ldrs/

I used to fall into LDRs with people all the time. We'd meet while traveling, or while I was in town for a couple of days. Before you know it, we're chatting all day! When I realized my dating strategy wasn't working and that I needed to critically re-examine how I approach romance, these relationships were the first thing I had to address.

Texting is false intimacy. You say that it's "been awhile since I've had anything like this," and I imagine you're referring to the chemistry and compatibility. Neither of those things can be appropriately measured over text.

Your imagined emotional reaction / tone / inferred meaning of messages is all interpretation, and you're likely giving the most generous interpretation to his messages. This gives a special sort of halo to texting versus dating someone in person. In person, there are so many more signals to examine. What's his vocal tone like? His physicality? His expression? How long did it take to respond? Do you like how he smells?

People can put forth a whole lot stronger of a false persona over text than in person. In person, you see his actual behavior, hygiene, habits, and the way he treats others. In texting, that's all obscured and you feel like you're meeting the "true them". In my experience, that "true them" masks all their shortcomings.

Are you "clicking" because you're soul mates, or because you don't experience the way he reacts when his jokes don't land, smell his poor hygiene, seeing he doesn't look waiters/waitresses in the eye or thank them, etc? The bar is a lot lower for him. He doesn't have the chance to make you feel uncomfortable in a physical setting because you're not assessing him in that setting.

It took a while to kick the habit of idealizing someone who I have good chat flow with. I first had to diagnose where the deal-breaker is. The deal-breaker is in the lack of physical availability.

I have to be with someone who prioritizes making himself physically available to me. I once had a LDR with a man from my hometown while I lived away. I moved back to my hometown and once I was there, he had a bad habit of breaking dates and not showing up for me. I didn't even have the chance to asses that deal-breaker while we were long distance. But I shouldn't have had to. The fact that we were long distance and I had to move to him should have been a deal-breaker enough.

Your guy hits another one of my deal-breakers though, emotional availability. You say you're flirting, but he hasn't put any skin in the game. I asses my partners on how willing they are to put skin in the game. If they won't go out of their way, spend time or effort, or risk anything to show commitment, I'm out. If they only act when it's comfortable or opportune, they don't want me enough.

He shouldn't want to risk losing his chance with you by not making himself emotionally or physically available. If he's into you, he should communicate that.

Advice on how to proceed? Join a rock climbing gym, chess club, book club, pottery class, or museum lecture series. Cultivate some hobbies that fill your texting time, moderate your response cadence, and step away from the endless chatversations. Meet some friends for dinner frequently. Accept dates from those who ask for them (at least 2 dates before you judge & end something, with respects to your safety) and get your mind off him when you're not actively engaged with him.

Here are my deal-breakers. The man making himself unavailable for you to asses these fairly is a deal-breaker in and of itself:

Physically unavailable: He doesn't make himself physically available to me (lives too far away, won't meet for dates, won't make any moves or reciprocate moves)
Emotionally unavailable: He doesn't initiate emotional intimacy (doesn't communicate interest, ask me out, tell me how he feels about me or other topics)
Has incompatible goals: He doesn't prioritize a career, family, financial stability, or has those goals in a manner incongruent with mine (I want kids and pets, if he doesn't, that's a no-go)
Has no hobbies
Has no friends

Title	Maybe catching feels for an acquaintance
Author	jellyb4bies
Upvotes	9
Comments	3
Date	February 21, 2020 3:28 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/FemaleDatingStrategy
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/f7co1z/maybe_catching_feels_for_an_acquaintance/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/maybe-catching-feels-for-an-acquaintance.681811 https://theredarchive.com/post/681811

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