Long rant ahead –

I have gone through a year of very sudden, hard yet ultimately positive change. I have realized a lot of things about my childhood, my actions throughout life, and why I was such a doormat who felt like I could never fit in. On one side, I’m so glad to be going through this emotional puberty, on the other, it has made me deeply depressed (though I am working through that now and it’s mostly caused by these realizations). I’m 28 and feel like I’m just now growing up.

I need to get this off my chest and hopefully connect with those who have experienced similar from their own families. This is a big reason why FDS has helped me immensely, and I’m so grateful to have found this community.

Every man in my family is sexist save for an uncle who doesn’t live near me. My dad extremely so. Due to circumstances this past year, I have had to move back home to save money – I’m currently changing careers and needed the break for my mental health (my last job was…it was not good) and the time to study. My mom is a very kind, wonderful woman. But, she’s a doormat who exudes pickme attitudes. My dad is a slight narcissist, I wouldn’t say full blown, but definitely has some of the qualities.

Growing up, it was always “boys will be boys,” “women are only here to have babies and get married and serve men,” “women should know their place and be quiet and nice.” I didn’t realize the extent of the indoctrination until I moved back home as an adult. I have noticed that my dad can’t go one day without saying something extremely demeaning about women – or millennials, but mostly just women. Just like what I heard growing up – that we’re only good for cleaning and cooking and whatnot. But as a child, it didn’t really sink in.

Since I have a vagina, I’m expected to clean up after everyone and cook for everyone while my brothers (who have moved back home as adults for a couple stints but are now moved out), were never expected to know how to do anything household related. It’s treated as a joke that my brother can’t cook, only eats fast food, and never does dishes, so only eats off paper plates. My mom even mentioned one day that she’s worried about him living on his own and that she has considered looking up those mail-order bride sites, i.e. slave sites for lonely men (in a joking manner but… not really). My brother is 30 years old and can barely take care of himself.

I’ve come to realize how damaging these attitudes have been to me and how deeply they have affected my life. When you are a child and your father pretty much tells you that you are worthless with his jokes, demeanor, and actions, you keep that in your heart and your mind your whole life. I’m just now unraveling from it. I have also realized that holding onto these attitudes has made me chase men who weren’t good people. I am now horrified by these beliefs and don’t put up with men who show even a hint of these qualities.

To drive home the messages my dad has given me – even from childhood – I noticed a very small yet very telling action over the summer (and throughout my entire stay at my parents’ but that’s beside the point). Even as an adult woman, I’m still treated as worthless or not even thought of at all. Our family went to a baseball game, and I had got up to use the bathroom. When I came back, I tried getting back to my seat through the aisle, but my dad wouldn’t move his legs to let me get by – he acted like I wasn’t even there. I also don’t know if this was some weird dominating move? I had to almost climb over him and I almost fell on him simply because he couldn’t take 1 second to be respectful and move his legs so I could pass comfortably. I know this is just a small thing, but it was humiliating and also kind of creeped me out, and it’s one small thing amongst a sea of thousands that have given me the message: Worthless. It’s the small things that pile and really break you – the constant jokes, the disrespect for even little things.

My brothers have the same mindset as my dad. It doesn’t help that one had sexually propositioned me when I was 13 (he’s not around anymore), while I constantly catch my other brother staring at me whenever he’s around. Even my nephew, who was visiting over Christmas break, took a long drawn-out sniff of my hair when he hugged me goodbye. I hate being around the men in my family. All of them.

Anyway, not to spew all my daddy issues to the world, but I’ve been thinking of these things and how they have shaped my mind over the course of my whole life. Men, if you’re reading this, treat your daughters like human beings.

The energy in my family’s home is so heavy, I’ve decided to leave for the week – I can’t really afford the stay, but my mental health is worth not being here. Unfortunately I won’t be able to move out for a few months, but I’ve been doing a lot of house and pet sitting to get away – which doesn’t cost any rent and actually pays – while also finding the cheapest AirBnBs or motels to stay in when I occasionally mentally can’t take the suffocation.