So last night I went out with my friends to some bars and got decently drunk. I don't normally get very drunk, but on occasions like last night and the one I'll talk about later, I do. In my every day life I keep a journal on my computer. I write down important things I'm doing, my thoughts on certain parts of my life, etc. It's very therapeutic for me. So last night when I came home I wrote a very long entry about a girl/date party I went to last Friday. I thought I'd show you guys the entry, of course with name changes and spelling corrections. I open up a lot in the post, so don't completely come down on me for this one, but still be honest with what you think. Sorry it's so long but I tried to bold the more important bits.

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Little bit of backstory: I found TRP half a year ago. I've been trying to learn, grow, and apply it to my life ever since. I'm in college, just transferred here and joined a fraternity mainly for the social benefits. This date party was where every brother brings a date, we dress up, go to a venue and have a good time. The girl I brought is my friend from home's roommate. We didn't talk much beforehand over text since I was extremely busy and try to only text for logistics.

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For some reason I can’t stop thinking/worrying about this date party and Meghan so I need to just confront it and get it off my mind. I really like Meghan. She’s hot, cute, seems like a decent person, she’s actually kind of fun to talk to. I enjoyed spending time with her at the date party. But, I don’t think she enjoyed spending time with me. We were having a lot of fun until I got a bit too drunk and kind of lost control. When I say “lost control”, I just mean I was pretty out of it, not belligerent at all. I wasn’t entertaining her much and I probably bored her. I also didn’t make any moves, which is a shame since I think if I was more sober I could have pulled off getting with her or something. But at least I got to flex on the people at home with my Insta photo, which everyone freaked out about for some reason. (She didn’t like the photo, take that as you will.)

Anyways, I can’t stop thinking about her, and I’m not sure why. It’s not like we’ve been together for a while and we broke up. It was literally one night we spent together, and we barely knew each other or talked outside of that. I think where my real annoyance is that I could have been successful with Meghan. Successful in what way? I’m not sure. I could have maybe gotten with her, or maybe I could start a relationship with her. Honestly, I think I’d rather have a relationship with a “stand up gal” than just trying to meet and get with random girls at parties. I hate to say it, since it sounds gay af, but I kind of want that cuddle on the couch and watch t.v. type of relationship. One where we’re best friends and we love spending time together. And I think I imagined myself having that type of relationship with Meghan. That’s probably where my problem was, and often is when I spend time/flirt/scheme/ pursue a girl. Once I start even getting slightly successful with a girl, I start developing oneitis and imagining a future with this girl. Thinking about how awesome it would be to go on dates with her, cuddle with her, show her off to my friends her and at home. All that. That’s all the kind of stuff I imagined with Meghan, which is why I’m so bummed about it now that I don’t think she’s interested anymore.

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But then again, I might be being oversensitive. I don’t know, I’m in kind of a tough situation. I’m really bad at reading girls and also really bad at making the first move. At least making the first move well. If I’m being honest, I would still love to pursue some sort of relationship with Meghan. Even though we still barely know each other and she kind of ran off at the end of the night to go take care of her sick roommate. This is where I don’t know if she was into me or not. I think she was a little bit into me before the date party and at the start of the night. When we were first talking it was a bit awkward of course since it was our first time really talking, I didn’t talk to her over text much before hand, it was loud in the house where everyone met up, I’m a bit awkward in general, etc. I still gotta learn how to thrive in loud situations while talking to a girl, I’ll be in that situation a lot now that I’m in a fraternity. Our talk on the bus ride there was good though**,** I was able to hear her better and keep a conversation going well. She would crack jokes every now and then and also encourage me to drink, which I think is a good sign. I also failed a couple shit tests, so that didn't help. (She asked how many girls I asked to this date party instead of her, I said I only asked her. She joked that she knew I asked her roommate first, I said "Nah" and blew it off).

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Once again, I unfortunately got a bit too drunk at the venue and lost my focus a bit. I was still keeping her entertained to a point, and she seemed pretty comfortable with Kino. She didn’t move or seem uncomfortable when I would place my hands on her hips or even on her ass at some points.

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On the bus ride back I think is where it got weird. She wasn’t as talkative as before and when I invited her to get food afterwards she said she was full from the two cookies she ate (red flag I think), and that she’d go home to her roommate right when we got back. So that’s how the night went. I sent her a text like 20 minutes after she left saying: “Hey, thanks for coming tonight, I hope you had fun, and I hope your roommate feels better, say hi to her for me :)!” and she replied. “Thanks for inviting me! I will! :)”. The next day I sent her a couple of the photos we took together, and she said they looked good.

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That was the last time we interacted. It’s been five days since then. I don’t really know what to do from here, since I would still like to pursue her. I wish I didn’t and that I had abundance mentality, but I don’t yet. I’m not good enough at gaming or attractive enough to get as many girls as I’d like to, and this girl was actually a catch and I just hope I didn’t blow it. She is probably coming to a party that my frat is hosting this Friday, hopefully I can run into her there and feel out how things are between us in a good way. Worst Case scenario: We just say hi and bye and I can see that she’s not really into even talking with me much. Best Case scenario: We end up talking a good amount and I find out that she’d be into doing something together sometime soon. Until then, I just need to focus on my life. I don’t think I should text her or anything. There’s nothing I really can/should do until I see her then. Hopefully now I can stop fucking thinking about this now.

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Edit: Spacing and small detail