I’m really hoping to get some help in saving my 13 year long relationship. This man is the love of my life and I’m on the brink of losing him because I can’t seem to control my emotions anymore. I have PMDD, Anxiety, Depression, PCOS, and PTSD caused by multiple traumas when I was younger and most recently the sudden, violent, unsolved death of my younger brother (who called me his “Second Mom”, there was a 15 year age gap), followed by the death of my Mom five weeks later.

I’ve always been able to keep my emotions in check, but over the last few years, the built up anger and frustration that I’ve held in as I’ve caught more and more bad breaks throughout life have really started to come to the surface too quickly for me to catch them. I end up lashing out at my boyfriend, who struggles with his own Anxiety, Depression, and PTSD, who most of the time isn’t even the actual trigger for the angry outbursts.

My brother’s death forced childhood traumas and issues to come to the surface and I have been a nightmare to deal with lately. I’m struggling to find a qualified therapist that is actually equipped to help me but so far keep finding ones that keep asking me if I want to “draw my feelings”. No thanks, I’m beyond Crayola’s help 🙄

I get uncontrollable paranoid thoughts about my boyfriend cheating on me though when my brain is being rational and “normal”, I know that he’s not. I have body image issues and insecurities that cause extreme jealousy if he even glances at another girl. When the paranoia stops and my brain lets reality back into focus, the guilt and shame I feel is horrible.

After all of this, he’s still here but his patience and ability to try to stay with me and help me is running understandably thin. I don’t doubt his love for me, but the irrational paranoia literally makes me forget how much he loves me until I come back to reality. Does anyone have any advice on coping mechanisms or behavior modifications that can work when I feel myself slipping out of reality? I’ve had a hard time researching this myself due to the sheer amount of toxic feminist bullshit that’s out there. Thank you ahead of time, I hope I didn’t ramble too much!