Let’s talk about texting culture while dating.

It’s likely that both you and your suitors always have your phones on or near you. With that sort of access, it’s easy to fall into a pattern of all-day texting and in-depth text conversations (hereto referred to as chatversations). I strongly advise against chatversations.

I’m the former queen of chatversations. I’ve sparked many a flame with LVM over chatrooms that quickly fizzled out in-person when I’ve realized: this guy doesn’t floss, laugh at my jokes, or generally smells weird. What happened to our wicked-good rapport? It only existed when my partner was veiled by a screen and my favorable interpretations. This thread is fashioned from my experiences and threads I’ve read on this subreddit.

In this thread, I will go over the goals of texting, risks associated with developing false intimacy by texting, your texting availability, the advantages of taking calls, and guys who “suck at texting” you.

What’s the goal of texting?

  • Getting to know someone? Text lacks the rich-media tools necessary to meaningfully know someone. Texting is an easy format to fake behavior, make lofty claims, and set up a persona.

Text obscures tone, rapport, and body language. With these crucial elements of human communication obscured, it’s up to the reader to fill in the gaps. It’s likely that you’re going to apply the most favorable interpretation of someone’s text. You disadvantage yourself if you remove your capability to judge tone, rapport, and body language.

I think you should have as much pre-date communication as it takes to find out he's not waving giant red flags and to establish that there is a baseline of chemistry. Otherwise, texting is going to get old quick. If I were looking for a relationship and the person I'm talking to keeps drawing out texting, I'd get the impression we're looking for different things and lose interest.

Don't ruin the mystery of your day-to-day life, he shouldn't know your schedule or routine. This is for safety but also to keep your options open. (self-link here to a post I made about how texting is not a way to get to know someone: https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/ezs7vr/how\_regular\_should\_texting\_be\_before\_meeting\_up/fgpxyts)

  • Establishing a relationship? Are you looking for a penpal relationship or a real life partnership? Building a relationship through regular texting and no other means will get you one of those two things, and it's not the real life partnership.
  • Scheduling dates? I assert that the role of texting in an early relationship is facilitating scheduling dates, calls, and communicating interest in further dating. As a woman dating, these are the only things you need to use texting for.

You need to get him into real life, on a date, in order to really vet him. How does he treat you when he has actual skin in the game? Texting is easy, it's casual. When you're in front of him, that's the real thing. Your schedules clash, but he's always available to text? Would he be able to make scheduling work for his dream girl? Be less available over text.

During COVID, I've seen posts on FDS about virtual dates (he sends you a meal, you play online games, etc.) and that's a good stand-in for a real-life date. Don't settle for something sub-standard. A HVM will try to raise the bar to get rid of your other suitors.

What’s the risk of over-texting? There was a beautifully-worded thread called, “Texting causes fake sense of intimacy.” https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/em0n4u/texting_causes_fake_sense_of_intimacy/

A generic good morning/good evening text is easy to send to 10 people at once. A higher frequency of interaction is easy for people to conflate with intimacy, when it turns out that texting is incredibly easy and low effort. Here are some good points from that thread:

  • A HVM will step up and communicate more, but in person and in high value settings...rare do you get a good morning text unless you make it a requirement, and there's no reason to make it one with a HVM. They do the grown stuff themselves lol.
  • I hate someone expecting me to ping back & forth all day- it makes me claustrophobic- text me briefly and make some plans or ring me. Otherwise- leave me the fuck alone thanks.
  • you should not have big long text fests or get to know each other via text. You need the vocal and nonverbal.

How do you handle texting if it’s not an all-day, in-depth affair? I recommend guarding your time and availability. You have hobbies, interests, other relationships you manage, and to guard those commitments, you should set aside some time each day where you’re comfortable responding to texts. Outside of that window, you don’t owe it to anyone, especially suitors, to immediately respond.

When I was dating, that time window was 6-8pm. It's not a game to be frequently unavailable and these aren't artificial restrictions. If you're available all day, stop dating and get some hobbies before inviting another person into your life.

Don't respond to boring texts that don't foster conversation. Don't respond to texts from guys who only want to text and never want to have a date. Are you looking for a penpal or a partner? Don't have a long-distance relationship with someone who lives nearby.

Sometimes, you want a little banter over text and you’re available to respond. He’s sent you something compelling. Maybe a chatversation gets started. When do you want to move that conversation from chat into a call? These topics should be reserved for in-person dates, phone calls, or video calls:

  • Values
  • Life experiences
  • Emotions

Those topics should happen in a setting where tone and body language are present. Otherwise, you're likely to interpret text in a way that's most flattering. It’s easy to offer the most flattering interpretation to text from a person you want to like. Remove that filter of favorability by insisting on conversations where you can gauge tone and body language whenever possible.

How do you move an engaging conversation to a call? There’s a good thread on this topic, “How do you efficiently communicate your standards and let a guy know that you prefer to be called instead of just texting?” https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g858ft/how_do_you_efficiently_communicate_your_standards/

To set up a relationship where the standard for a good conversation is a call, let him know early on that your preference is for calls over chatversations. You love it when men call. If you’ve already let chatversations happen in the past, let him know that this topic is something you'd rather call about because it's so interesting and:

  • You’d hate the nuance to get lost over text
  • You’re short on time and a chatversation would take longer than a call

Now you’re on a call, how do you handle that?

Limit the length of a call to 15 minutes. In, "All The Rules," the author advocates setting a timer. When time's up, jump off the call. If he wants to talk to you again, he can set up a date. But you have a life and can’t be on the phone all night.

How do you handle the guy who “sucks at texting?” You should ask yourself if you’re comfortable having a partner who deprioritizes communicating with you. A person who wants to communicate will make it happen. It’s not a red flag for a guy to respond slowly to texts, it probably means he has a life. It is a red flag if he doesn’t maintain communication or try to give you interesting prompts to respond to.

Here are some good excerpts from the “Thoughts on guys who “suck at texting”. What does this mean exactly?” thread. https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/g4mc67/thoughts_on_guys_who_suck_at_texting_what_does/

  • Tell him “huh, that’s strange- usually when guys don’t enjoy texting they love calling me” If he doesn’t start calling you quickly as a response to that then he just doesn’t like you very much
  • They suck at texting you. I don’t like or expect huge amounts of conversation via text but I do expect some interaction daily if I’m dating someone. Everyone checks their phone first thing in the morning and just before they go to bed.
  • If the guy likes you, he will make an effort. Period.

He didn’t respond, should I double text him?

In the immortal words of u/Liz_Lemondrop, “He is not lost at sea, out of cell service or otherwise unavailable. Texting you back would take 20 seconds, he just doesn't want to.” (https://www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/efv07q/he_has_literally_no_reason_not_to_text_you_back/)

These are just some bits I put together. I'm interested in hearing other perspectives on this topic.

Additional Reading. Check out these FDS threads: