More than a week ago I made my decision to end a LTR of 1.5 years because I wasn't feeling happy being in it, I was being manipulated, mistreated and disrespected and I don't mean it in a bad way, because I was the one that weakened my grip and let it all happen to me.

She's a diagnosed BPD, the symptoms are pretty mild, but the core traits are still there. The relationship was perfect for about a year, but then, it went downhill. My frame started being tested relentlessly, all the boundaries being crossed little by little, I thought I could get it back on track by putting my foot down and reinforcing them, but that would only work for about a week and she'd start crossing them again and pushing me further, knowing I wouldn't do anything, because I didn't leave her the first time she did it.

So after 5 months of constant chaos I just had enough, I left, like I have done many times before, but this time I felt it was for real.

There was no big fight, no drama, no hurtful phrases exchanged, I told her I can't do this anymore, put her key in her pocket and left. Even thought she was blocked my phone went off for the whole night because of private number calls, the trash pile of my email inbox was filling up because all her mail was being redirected there (yes, she tried to contact me via email at this age and time)/The big difference between this time and the past "break ups" was the reason why I blocked her- not because I wanted to hurt her (haha, I blocked you") but because I really wanted to avoid all contact so she wouldn't reel me back in.

So far so good, but even without her contacting me I feel like I'm slipping, I'm constantly thinking maybe I overreacted, maybe the relationship wasn't so bad, maybe this, maybe that. But then the other voice starts speaking, telling me not to be an idiot and not fall back in to the most toxic relationship I've ever been in to.

The big problem is I don't really have a way to distract myself, because before everything I was hitting the gym, studying, working and reading, plus the whole celebratory season is killing me because I'll probably have to stay alone through all the holidays. (difficult family situation). That's why I need some encouragement to help me stay on the straight and narrow.