I'll try to keep this short.

27 year old, everything seems to fall apart on me. I've been bullied my whole life by other people, in different forms. Physically when in middle school and a bit in high school. Verbally or else during college up until nowadays, by different people, in different environments and ways. And trying not to upset anyone.

I used to be a submissive dude, inexistent frame, trying to avoid all conflicts, all the time. (very weak) I was afraid of things like, competition, arguments and stuff like that. I was taking all the shit thrown at me, just for the sake of not getting hurt in a fight. You get the picture.

I didn't mind it so much back then, because all I cared for is my safety.(although I did get beat up in middle school a couple of times) But now, looking back, I can't believe how I used to be like that, and be ok with it.

I got a bit cockier lately, not sure, but probably due to weightlifting. There's one nice success of my life, completely overhauling my body, went from skinny fat to lean with some muscle. People have complimented me on this, although I have developed an inferiority complex. I have a nice overall body shape, but I nowhere near BIG. Standing at 6' and 178 lbs, with abs. But let's say I'm on the right track.

Now, past episodes of bullying are eating me up inside. Last big one was with my brother in law. I went to work abroad with him and ended up in a shit show.(complicated story) There was no physical fight, but we weren't far from it. My sister is neutral(stays away from our fights), my parents still love him, while I never felt so much hatred for a person. I now feel that he pretty much won. At least that's my perspective. I'm obsessed of showing him I'm better, but I really don't know how.

Sometimes I feel like my blood is boiling up of anger.

I don't take insults easily at all, my ego gets bruised super-easily. Sometimes, all this pressure that has been built up inside, I feel like I may snap and do some stupid shit.

I analyze every interaction I have with other people or friends of the group, looking for the slightest indicator that was it me who lost frame, or the other, if I have responded well to certain situations, etc. I don't know if I've become paranoid, or extremely self-aware, taking the tiniest detail which may be pointed against me. I am very self critical.

I almost always feel the need of somehow demonstrating indirectly to others that I'm not weak(fake it till I make it), as I can't stand getting picked on by anyone anymore.

These thoughts make my life a lot worse. A lot of thinking, a lot of anger at others and disapointment in me. I cannot IDGAF, since my past has left a mark on me.

I managed to difuse a situation like this a few nights ago in a bar. Dude threatens me pointlessly, I stand up to myself and he left me alone. Although I might have lost frame when I went to his table and asked, what the fuck was that all about. Small steps forward.

I feel weak, and I feel like I HAVE to prove myself in more situations like this to find some inner peace.

Have you ever confronted with such issues? How did you get out?

So much for " i'll try to keep this short"....