Im feeling discontent in my LTR and need advice as to what to do.

[deleted] · 2018-04-14T23:20:24+00:00

I find it amusing alot of women feel you need to have everything in common for a relationship to he successful. You give and take. I dislike hunting and fishing but I've learned to love them because my husband takes me. He hated the idea of going to VS and picking out g strings or going to Sephora and picking out make up but he learned to love it because he does it with me. You do things for your lover and they'll do things for you. You'll never see a person in love say "whelp it was a good go but we have nothing in common now" things like that don't matter when your actually in love. I dated a man who had everything in common with me. Wanna know how it ended? I was bored. Nothing new to do. When you have different hobbies and dreams it adds interests to your lives if you share them. The grass is greener where it's watered.

loneliness-inc · 2018-04-15T03:45:03+00:00

If you're looking for permission to leave, you don't need our permission.

If you think cheating is a good idea, it's not.

If you leave him because the grass is greener elsewhere and you got bored, you're likely to end up exactly where you are currently two years into your next relationship.

Throwawayman90001 · 2018-04-14T21:08:12+00:00

Be fair to him break up yesterday

Imthecatspajamas · 2018-04-14T21:27:37+00:00

I'm generally not for ending relationships without really good reason, and honestly I am newish to this sub so I hope I don't say anything opposed to general RPW belief.

While it's possible that you meet the love of your life at 15 and spend forever together, in our day & age, I think it's really unlikely. It happens - but I would say it's rare.

When a woman is a bit older and finds her eye straying to a new possible partner, I think there's a lot about branch-swinging that has to be taken into consideration. Women will tend to think the grass is greener. They'll try to trade up to the new "better" thing, until they find out that he's maybe not as great as they thought, and the cycle continues to repeat. It's damaging and has to be consciously stopped.

But you are so young. You guys started this relationship as kids, and it sounds like you are flat-out stating that you know you are growing into different people on different paths.

I'm not a big supporter of serious relationships before people are in their late teens, early 20s, tbh. Old-fashioned, but I just don't think you know who you want to be when you're a teenager. I didn't, and I had two big heartbreaks resulting from this. I didn't know who I was, let alone exactly what I wanted in a Captain.

Tbh, I didn't really know what I wanted in a Captain til I was in my mid-20s.

You have to be sure you aren't just running through guys, excited at first and then bored, then excited, then bored... But you also need to be careful you find a partner you know you want to be with long-term and commit to. Then you make the conscious choice to commit, no matter what.

I could be wrong, but it doesn't sound like you feel you can do that with him. If that's the case, and you don't think your feelings will change, it will only hurt more the longer you drag it out.

g_e_m_anscombe · 2018-04-15T05:49:24+00:00

If you've been in a four year LTR from 15 to 19, clearly you aren't the type to branch swing for no reason. It genuinely sounds like you were on more similar paths in high school and now he's turning out to be lower value than you expected.

Does it seem like his passion for fitness will make him a good provider for your children or is this a dead end career path? Did he drop out because he genuinely had a better opportunity or because he stopped wanting to better himself? When you think about the man you want to be with in 10 years, does it look like where he'll end up in 10 years?

You may be right that you're partially responsible for the lack of connection you're currently feeling. I also don't expect 19 and 20 year olds to be masters of relationship communication, so it's not surprising that he didn't understand how seriously bad things have gotten. In the end though, I think respect is more important in a relationship than communication. Do you respect this man enough to become his first mate? If not, it's probably time to move on.

You're young but you've been together for four years and that's probably enough time to know. In college, I dated a guy for about two years. About a year into our relationship, I asked my dad how he knew that my mom was the one to marry. He said "when you know, you know." Bogus, I thought! What does that even mean? But the answer was that I really didn't know. Toward the end of the two years, I realized that I loved this man a lot but I didn't respect him enough to marry him. He might even have been able to become a man I would respect, but it wasn't prudent to waste any more time on him nor was it fair to stay with him in the hope of who he might become. A couple years later, I met my husband. In four months, I understood what my dad meant. I just knew. I respected him for who he was, and I wanted to live through the journey of the rest of my life with him. What had seemed a gut-wrenching decision with my ex-boyfriend became an easy choice with the right man.

I will also add that while dating my husband, it was also the first time I'd dated someone for so long and never felt attraction for another man even though we were long distance. Since we got married, it hasn't always been easy. There was one man I met who was pretty much everything I'd hoped for before marriage on paper, and I could tell I was growing a bit infatuated. I backed off for a while, while hubby and I worked through some of the conflicts we were having. Later on, the other guy and I became decent (but not close) friends, and I don't have any feelings for him whatsoever. I thought I was just flawed: that I was the sort of woman who would always develop feelings for other guys / have a desire to branch swing. And there's always that threat there if we're not careful. But I know now that the desire to branch swing was also a sign of dissatisfaction, disrespect, and problems in my other relationships. When you're with the right man, you lose the compulsion to branch swing.

If you do decide to break up, you should definitely go into nun mode for a bit. It would be tempting to try and see if things work out with the new guy you're attracted to, but you should probably wait a bit to let yourself acclimate to who you are as an individual. If things are meant to be with him, they'll work out. If not, you'll find someone even better.

Nkazio · 2018-04-15T21:10:09+00:00

[19F].

You're still a kid yourself.

party_dragon · 2018-04-15T03:57:28+00:00

The idea of a (long-term, committed) relationship is to cruise through life together, help and support each other overcoming life's challenges, and keep having amazing sex with someone you respect.

It sounds to me that most of the above aren't fulfilled by your current LTR.

polakfury · 2018-04-15T12:25:32+00:00

I knew a woman online who had this topic she loved, and she really wanted to go to university to pursue a career in it, but it would mean leaving her significant other that she had been with for years. They had a good relationship, so much so that he supported her choice no matter what. I tried to tell her about The Harvard Grant Study and how happiness in life was predicted by this amazing study to be primarily caused by positive, vulnerability-sharing relationships between people, and that she could still find ways of pursuing her passion without making a career out of it, just as I have done with other topics. She decided to break up with him to go to a university, and she seemed to end up just as miserable if not moreso the last time I saw anything from her.

Another thing is that neither of you are even 25 yet, when the brain is said to be generally fully developed, so that could be an argument for staying or against staying.

Generally I'm an optimist and I think if someone isn't abusive or an addict, most relationships can be saved, and I'm sure some batshit crazy people can also work within the parameters of addiction. Every time you start new with someone, you have to start over again, and the shared experiences and successful communication you have can't be built on with a new person, and you need those things to feel meaning in your relationship; so that's something to consider depending on your love of social interaction and the negative emotions that it can produce from miscommunication.

Learning about someone's anxieties and fears, including the feelings towards you, their love language(s), their boundaries, needs, and wants, could all create more depth and meaning in a relationship, and things like this will take time with most people, because vulnerability scares people. But having more experiences of trust makes it easier to create depth and meaning in a relationship. And shared values will also always trump shared common interests. So maybe what might help make your decision is thinking deeply about what you and your SO value the most in life and talking about it.

scallopkid · 2018-04-16T17:02:23+00:00

Everyone is saying to break up with him which is sort of my first thought too, but it also makes me sad to think about. People who you've grown up with are irreplaceable in a certain way. People will tell you that you were just kids when you met and you can't possibly have known what kind of person you should date, but I don't really buy that. You don't need shared hobbies to be happy together, but you do need shared values. If you have this, don't throw it away.

Do you know why his libido is gone?

Title	Im feeling discontent in my LTR and need advice as to what to do.
Author	Imthecatspajamas
Upvotes	9
Comments	21
Date	April 14, 2018 8:44 PM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/8cabxv/im_feeling_discontent_in_my_ltr_and_need_advice/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/im-feeling-discontent-in-my-ltr-and-need-advice-as.74587 https://theredarchive.com/post/74587

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