Hi all!

I found both The Red Pill and Asktrp subreddits two weeks ago and since then I have devoured all the information on the sidebar, started reading posts, and seeing youtube videos. I find it all fascinating (all though I have trouble accepting all the truths) and have seen multiple things that I didn't do right in the women's department. I've never been the "alpha male" in my life and can now see that I've always been the beta male. Both in relationships and in everyday dealings with people.

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Below is my story about insecurity, sex, and women. I hope to find some guidance here on what to do next!

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Bullying and porn

I was bullied at school both in primary and high school. This made me feel unaccepted, not good enough, and not as I belonged. To this day, this has caused a little bit of obsessive-compulsive behavior, self-confidence issues and I often feel like I don't really belong, even though I do. I have (now I'm 28) a nice group of friends around me, a nice sport that I do, and overall a nice social life. I'm happy with what I have now in that regard.

At a young age (end of primary school, beginning of high school) I came into contact with pornography and I noticed that this allowed me to forget my problems for a while. From the age of 12 until my early 20s, I spent a lot of time on porn and actually used it on a daily basis (sometimes more than once a day). It became a means of escape from reality for me.

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Sex & women

When I was 17, I got into a relationship with a girl that lasted 1.5 years. This was a sexless relationship despite the fact that I had indicated several times that I wanted to have sex and even got angry because it didn't happen. There was once a possibility (towards the end of the relationship) where we could have had sex, but I became so nervous that I couldn't get an erection (maybe because of the porn?). Not having sex with her was the primary reason for me to break up with her.

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I have had this problem several times with different women since.

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Through these different experiences, I found out that the physical part was not right with me. They had to circumcise me and straighten my penis (it was bent too far and that made having sex real difficult.) when I was in my early 20s. All these experiences do not help your sexual security!

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When I was 23, I got a girlfriend, and as you can imagine I had difficulties getting an erection. Fortunately, after the 4th try, it worked and after that, I never had any more problems with her.

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This was also the case in my last relationship. The first few times were difficult but then it worked. This makes me very insecure about sex. I also notice (now that I look back) that in all my relationships and friendships I haven't been the "Alpha male" and I haven't been the leader that I should have been. It's difficult because I don't see myself like that (yet). It's difficult to be the leader and alpha male when you don't feel good enough.

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I also notice that my head has conflicting thoughts about sex and women. On the one hand, I really want to have sex with women (no relationships), but on the other hand, I know that I am also insecure about whether my penis & and my mind will work. So, I now think about it a lot (how I would like to meet women, have fun with them and have sex with them) but I do nothing about it.

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All this time, porn has also had a big influence on my life (still a coping mechanism from my childhood I think). A few years ago, however, I found NoFap but this did not go without a struggle. At the moment I am fortunately 2 months free of porn and have no intention of ever going back.

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Because of all the above, I started looking for ways to improve myself (become the best version of myself) and become better with women. That's when I found The Red Pill and am now devouring all the information.

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However, there are some questions I would like advice on:

  1. Now that I have been free from porn and masturbation for 2 months, I do notice that I feel better in my skin, but also notice that all I can think about is masturbating and having an orgasm. I'm 100% sure I'll leave porn out of it, but can I masturbate (in moderation), or does this make for worse results in general and with women?
  2. Are there people here who experienced insecurity and have developed full self-confidence? If yes, how did you do it?
  3. Because I'm insecure about sex, I wonder if it would be good to practice (now that I don't watch porn anymore) with, for example, a prostitute? I would do this to build up my self-confidence in sex so that I also stay hard the first time with a woman. I just don't know if using a prostitute is the right option.

Now that I read a lot of red pill articles, I do notice a cognitive dissonance where I'm still in the process of accepting the red pill truths. With enough time I think this will get better!

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I hope you can understand a bit of what I mean by my story and I hope to be able to rebuild myself and become the man I want to be! A man without fear of what people think, to live life on my own terms and achieving the goals I have in life.

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Thanks for reading and I'm looking forward to what this community has to say!