I'm 43yo, with one teenage boy who is super well adjusted despite his bio dad being highly abusive (we got away from him permanently six years ago, he doesn't remember most of it.) We moved to a different state, I have an amazing job, met a great guy 4.5 years ago now. His wife had left him when his two kids were toddlers (his kids and mine are all within a year of age of each other), and he sees them as much as the court allows; one day a week and every other weekend. He treated my son and me like gold for 1.5 years; everything was right. All my boxes were checked, and he met all my high standards about how to treat me and my son, his family, his job, his friends. Everything. We moved in together, got married, and things went to shit. He has a lot of guilt over not seeing his kids as much as he wants, and started ignoring my son. He became very judgy over how clean the house was (I work over full time, but I don't keep a dirty house) and he does a lot of cleaning, but spent a lot of time being critical of my son and me. He started breaking plans with me at the drop off a hat on the smallest whim of one of his kids. He became resentful of the time he didn't with me, then started throwing my son and me under the bus (if he had to tell his kids no he would make it our fault). He became resentful of me, suspicious about money, started looking at hundreds of sexy women on IG, several other things. While I knew my boundaries I only knew to yell to protect them, and he became critical of that. We were in therapy for most of that time, but looking back I know all the therapist did was justify his behaviors. Then he freaked out and moved out behind my back 1.5 years after we moved in together. He immediately regretted it, because the thought it was what his kids wanted but it wasn't.

So, for the last 1.5 years, he's been kind of doing things to improve, but not 100%. He puts time and effort into our relationship but he never really moves forward. He just spins his wheels a lot. I didn't divorce him yet because of, I don't know, loneliness? Hope? I hate hope. Covid restrictions so not going to date anyway? I really don't know. It's not that I've got a low self esteem; I truly have a great self esteem. He's been to individual therapy, wrote a plan like Lundy Bancroft suggested, occasionally will make amends. But, he is not consistent. He still lies and hides about time with his kids, like I'm a wicked stepmother or something. I'm an ideal stepmom; I really am! I support them, love them, I am hands off. I love that he loves being a dad. He still does shady things like that occasionally, but he also says he wants to really change and be a better person, not just to keep a relationship with me, but to be a better role model for his kids. We've gone to a financial planner, we've spent a lot of time making plans on how to treat all the kids, as far as I know he's stopped completely looking at other women.

Bottom line, it's not that I don't know he's being a bad partner; I do! I don't need him for money, sex or companionship. It's hard to let go how great he was, and how great he still is occasionally. I don't know why. Maybe I hate losing and this will be a loss? Maybe I justify his behaviors too much? Maybe I don't have anything better to do? Maybe because I know it's his fear about his kids not wanting to be around him anymore? He still makes me cry when he makes me out to be someone I'm not, like a wicked stepmother. He's still crazy judgmental.

I'm at a loss on why I'm not letting him go. He's not improving because it serves him not to, I know that. I've looked for therapists, have interviewed five, but none of them have suggested a direction that feels right to me; they focus on my self esteem, or couples communication, and really, neither of those things are the issue. Me not letting him go is not self esteem issues, it's something else. He knows how to communicate better, he just chooses not to, and says he's still learning to break bad habits instead of really doing something different. He does not want to get divorced, but I'm not even having sex with him and he's still not improving. I don't think he's cheating on me, I think he has this deep seated entitlement that he is not letting go but says he is.

Bleh. Thanks for listening.