Hi I'm going to need some help processing what I'm experiencing. I'm in my early 20s, rudderless and plagued by a smorgasbord of unhealthy emotions. For brevity I'm not going to delve into my past. Will just say that during childhood my mother adored me while my father was distant. Seldom would he express his adoration for me.

I've grown to respect him as I consider him an exemplar of rectitude. There are aspects of his personality I look upto and would love to imbibe. But some of his traits seem infernal to me. His unwillingness to tolerate any disagreement and the repercussions of dissent even today make me quiver.

My milieu growing up wasn't the best. Quarrels were commonplace and abuse was considered a run of the mill occurence. One day I chose to leave that house and started living with relatives. My exasperation seemed mysterious to others as I had been treated well. But somehow I just wasn't happy with my father. His negativity drains me.

Some events led to estrangement in my parents' ties. That animosity between them brought me closer to my father. It allowed me to see an alternate facet of his life. His weaknesses, his foibles, his unfulfilled desires and the pain in his eyes. I started caring for him but gradually it dawned on me that I had become his counselor.

He invariably talks about his pain when we meet. We spend 5 hours together every week and all he can talk about is his pain. Seldom have I seen him interested in my life. Needless to say I'm tired and afflicted by a headache after our chat.

I'm expected to unfailingly visit him once every week. If I express inability I'm now conditoned to expect a litany of complaints and his bemoaning of my indifference towards him. I cant tell him that he leaves me frustrated.

On my shoulders are filial duties but in my heart is the pain of manipulation and joblessness.