Fed up with STBX | Divorce

Rant warning, it’s been a long night, and I need somewhere to vent...

Just over 2 months ago, we split up. Since then, I’ve tried to see our 2 children as much as possible, and literally at every turn, I’ve been shot down, unless it been convenient for her.

First, she sent her new boyfriend to my house to break in, and when he didn’t find me there, he showed up at my job to yell threats at me in the parking lot. Luckily, she made the stupid move of calling a buddy of mine’s wife (she didn’t realize we still talked) and he promptly called me to tell me the guy was making legitimate death threats. I ended up calling the police, couldn’t press charges because I didn’t have shit for proof until about 2 weeks later. In the meantime, I didn’t dare have my kids at the house Incase she pulled another stunt like that. I didn’t want to subject my children to the violence. So I didn’t get to see them for 2 weeks, until I finally got fed up with it and asked to see them. In the meantime, she’s been neglecting and endangering the kids. Drinking and driving, 7 people in a 3 bedroom apartment (the kids don’t have a room there), her brother doing drugs in front of the kids and refusing to take care of them until they have begged for at least an hour, her father has been accused of molesting children, and the new babysitters boyfriend just got out of jail on a murder rap, just to name a few. Since she didn’t work for the majority of the marriage, and blew through my money faster than I made it on gambling and alcohol, I don’t have a nest egg to afford an attorney currently, but I decided to contact one that’s a friend of a friend. The attorney told me to contact DSS, which I did, but they have yet to do anything, and I highly doubt they will. So I decided to attempt a restraining order on behalf of myself and/or the kids, and because I waited to file so I didn’t mess up the investigation with dss, there was now little chance I would be able to get anything in place.

I’m lucky to see the kids once every 2 weeks, and only for a few hours at a time. Most of the time, I try to make it as enjoyable as possible for the kids, but my daughter is so confused as to what’s going on between mommy and daddy that there usually ends up being at least one emotional breakdown per visit. Meanwhile, the ex works night shift at my uncles bar, doesn’t get off until 2am, and doesn’t wake up until 11am to go to work, and when she is off work, she’s either at the bar drinking or out with her friends, away from the kids. So I proposed that they stay with me at night. I get off work at 6, my only other engagement is going to the gym (at midnight, so it doesn’t interfere with my time with the kids), they have a bedroom, and I make decent money to support them. Plus, it’s a stable environment, as I live by myself. I’ve asked for this arrangement for 2 months, and any time I bring it up, she finds some way to keep me from the kids.

Tonight, she claimed she wanted to go to mediation, to offer her custody plan of week on/week off, which would be fine with me if her living situation were better. But currently, it’s not. So instead of compromising, which she’s claiming she’s trying to do, she’s quitting her job tomorrow to move 2 hours away (still in state) to strongarm me into meeting her custody requirements.

I’m just fucking done with it. I’m tired of her manipulating me, using the kids against me, or constantly bashing me as a deadbeat father and a piece of shit to anyone and everyone. She’s literally gone to the point of messaging a girl I was talking to on Facebook, telling her that she was pregnant again, and we were working on the relationship, but I had a habit of cheating with people I meet online. So after ruining any possible relationship I may ever end up having with this new girl, I confronted her with screenshots of the messages, and she lied straight to my face about it. Claimed it wasn’t her. The messages literally linked to my ex’s profile. I’m so over this marriage, that it literally doesn’t bother me in the least that she’s out trying to sleep with as many people as possible, including an old military buddy of mine. I don’t care. It doesn’t hurt, I don’t miss her, I don’t want her back. Worst part is, I love my kids to no end, but I’m so sorry that i ever had them with her, because now I’m tied to her for the next 18 years. It’s been only 2 months and I’ve already had to go through all of this, the next 18 are going to be hell if I want any chance of staying in my kids lives.

Whelp, gym time it is. Going to listen to some Robert Frank motivation, and get juicy af and blow off some steam.

[–][deleted] 2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]swhitney186[S] 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

[–]SkeptiCynical 2 points3 points4 points 8 years ago (4 children) | Copy Link

[–]swhitney186[S] 1 point2 points3 points 8 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

Called cps, investigation turned up nothing. Went to family advocacy center to file a restraining order on behalf of myself and the kids, but because it was over 7 days since any provable incident didn’t want to screw up anything with the cps investigation), they said I was SOL as far as getting anything granted by a judge. Talked to my lawyer, and she wants $6k up front to do emergency custody paperwork, which I don’t have because the STBX blew through any money I did have for the years we were together. I’m living paycheck to paycheck, which is doable, but I’ve only been able to attempt to revive my financial situation over the last 2 months, and it’s a long road ahead.

I’ve also found out this past week she’s quitting her job to move 2 hours away with the kids, and gotten to the point where she’s sucky sweet about me seeing the kids and working on me being in their lives, but ironically, it’s only when she knows I’m incredibly busy at work and would have to leave them with a babysitter. So I’m thinking it’s just so she can say I’ve been avoiding seeing them.

[–]SkeptiCynical 3 points4 points5 points 8 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

Advocacy center told you that? That is shitty advice and absolutely not true. If your wife told them you were abusive 7 days ago, you can bet your ass police would be beating down your door within the hour.

It's not optional. The court has to hear you. Do-nothing assholes will discourage you from taking advantage of your rights in family court. Sometimes you have to push these people kind of hard to make them help you.

Don't go to advocacy center. Go to family court. There are people there to help you with the paperwork.

CPS investigations never turn up anything unless the children are literally on fire, bleeding or intoxicated. Keep filing with CPS and don't stop until they find what you're telling them to find.

Yes, your ex is providing an impossible schedule to prop up her narrative that you don't want to see your kids. Demand to see them whenever you want to see them.

$6k for 'paperwork' is horseshit. You don't need a lawyer to file paperwork, you can do this yourself and family court will help. Your lawyer sounds like a do-nothing asshole too (see sidebar). Get a different one.

If you aren't in separation yet and the case isn't in supreme court, file an injunction keeping your ex from leaving the county with your kids. This is parental alienation, don't let her do it.

If your ex's father has been accused of molesting kids, no matter how true it is, use that. CPS will definitely act when they hear there is the possibility of sexual impropriety with children because it's a super hot-button issue. 1 agent and 2 cops show up same day or next day. They may take your ex's father into custody just for the mention of child molestation. I've seen this firsthand, it is very fast and very scary.

Call the police to do welfare checks on your kids whenever you feel like it. They have to check on the kids and report back to you that they're OK and the house is safe.

You have to get aggressive. You are not going to win financially or emotionally, the best you will ever do with a combative ex in divorce is break even. But you have to act if you're interested in seeing your kids.

[–]swhitney186[S] 0 points1 point2 points 8 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

[–]SkeptiCynical 3 points4 points5 points 8 years ago (0 children) | Copy Link

We're here to provide it.

It's not unusual to be ignored or disregarded when you ask police or the court for help. You have to push harder than a woman would for the same protection. Same with CPS: there is a commonly accepted trope that designates men as the aggressors and women as the victims for 100% of all family offenses. Reality see it more of 50/50 and courts are starting to see this more every day.

File the reports, keep them organized and document what you can. If you're interested in seeing your kids, you're going to have to fight for it.

And for fun, when you do have your kids, keep them for a couple days longer than the wife thinks you'll have them. See if the cops show up (they can't do anything; don't talk to them. See sidebar).

See, you're the parent. They're your kids. You don't need her permission to keep your kids safe at home and you don't need the police or cps or family court to approve your time with them. You're not separated or divorced and there is zero that police will do about it, even when there is a family court order. They just won't get involved and they'll tell you and her the same.

Title	Fed up with STBX
Author	swhitney186
Upvotes	2
Comments	7
Date	June 15, 2018 2:56 AM UTC (8 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/8r7pj0/fed_up_with_stbx/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/fed-up-with-stbx.820118 https://theredarchive.com/post/820118

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