---Wall of Text, Brace Thyself or Exit Now---

Hi all!

Fairly new RPW here, I found the sub earlier this year, read a few things, posted something mildly inflammatory and got lectured by it might have been TerrorSquad, then calmly made my way toward the exit.

It didn't take very long for me to come back though, except I made a new account for which I vowed to not say anything that didn't align with RP mentality. Instead I read, with an open mind, and contributed when I felt like my advice was in-line with what we all try and practice here.

Now, I'm here with a field report. A very good one.

I posted this a while back, got a lot of great advice, and took it to heart. Particularly from /u/LifterofThings. She said,

There's something that doesn't add up here, for me. You slap down all of these qualities that should be appealing, that you allegedly have (fit! degree! tidy!), recount all your successes attracting men, and then make these nebulous statements about being "not ready" and "he deserved better" and "learning about myself" and "working through past failures".

idk what kind of input you're looking for here. You adult about as well as anyone adults. If you're waiting for everything in your life to be perfectly stable and resolved before you look for a man to marry, you're going to be in for a bad time.

That struck a chord with me. I mean, I already know none of us are ever 100% ready because people say that a lot...but this sub has really made me view relationships like this:

  • 10% are they a good man Yes or no. Black and white.

  • 10% are you compatible with one another? Yes or no, but slightly more gray. Maybe your compatible for life, or maybe just a few years.

  • 80% how hard are you willing to work? All gray, baby.

I've had 2.5 somewhat adult relationships. My first college relationship being the .5, only because it was somewhere between 'adult feelings' but no 'adult stresses' to deal with together. We fell apart on #2, we weren't compatible. We ended on great terms but our life goals really couldn't have been farther apart.

But it was hard telling myself the last 2 fell apart because of #3, I wasn't willing to work for what I wanted. /u/LifterofThings dropped that hard on me with this,

I already lost a great guy because I didn't have the means to stay near him

Nein, you didn't prioritize the relationship. I'm not saying you made the wrong decision (not moving to wherever he was), but it was a decision you made.

I'm not a victim of circumstance. I didn't prioritize him. And that is fine, but it wasn't something that just happened and I wasn't powerless.

Now as for the most recent guy I was dating, the guy I mentioned in my previous post that we will call D, we've been loosely together for almost a year. I say loosely because I plated myself. I didn't want the commitment, I didn't want the responsibility, and when I finally 'caved' into an exclusive relationship I became very withdrawn and gloomy. And then broke up with him very quickly. We didn't end our relationship, just took off the formal title and that put me almost as good as new, which is outrageously ridiculous.

Frankly, I wasn't over my ex. I hadn't taken responsibility for my own life and my own decisions, and their consequences. So I moved back to our hometown, for unrelated reasons, but I could have chosen to stay near D but I didn't because I wanted to get away. We stayed in touch via text, and I made an effort to see him any time he came back to town but everything was very dialed back and I could see the end of us in sight. In hindsight I would say he was giving me the slow fade. Which was fine with me because it still wasn't convenient.

And then I threw myself headfirst into RPW. It started with just admitting to myself that I do want a relationship. I've always prioritized work and responsibilities over that because I should because girl power, and because I wanted to prove I can. But so much of all the decisions I make are motivated by how I'll measure up to society's yardstick. And I know it sounds cliche but I mean it really truly. I walk around with a massive superiority complex and play dick measuring contests when I'm the only one playing. Nobody else gives a damn whether or not I went to A Very Good School or found A Very Good Job. But teehee sucks to be them because I'm winning and they're losing and they're so dumb they don't even know!

I digress. I gave myself permission to say it's okay to work a pretty good job, whatever that may be, and actually take pleasure in my relationships and you know, the other 16 hours of the day not working.

Once I admitted that, I started hoarding RPW information, "preparing myself", so to speak, for when I met Mr. AF/BB/Prince Charming...whoever he was. I would find a job, somewhere, and then find him and be his perfect little homemaker. It was going to be awesome.

And then the switch just flipped. I don't know how to describe it. I just realized what I had been 'training' for didn't make any sense at all if I was going to be doing the same stupid shit that cost me my first relationship. I was still failing on step 3.

I didn't decide to let my walls down anymore than I had decided to put them up. And I didn't realize how tall and thick they were until they were just absent. I didn't let communication fizzle out with D, I started pushing for it 10-fold.

This is where I got forced to swallow the bitter red pill yet again. I give myself points for not openly groveling to him to just take me back, and it was harder yet when I realized that wouldn't work anyway because he was done with my bullshit. Not me, just my bullshit. He was extremely clear that I was on a very tight probationary period because I wouldn't be given the opportunity to dgaf again. I had to be in or out and I had one chance to show it.

It was crappy, for the first time not feeling like a boy was wound around my finger. But no matter how crappy it was I told myself to keep my head up, prove I can invest, and keep proving it until the end. And if he decided to kick me to the curb...I acknowledged that was a heartbreak I would fully deserve to deal with and just stayed thankful that I wasn't dealing with a beta who neeeds me. This would be far more worth it if it worked out.

I readjusted my job search to only include places accessible to him. 51% significant other, 49% professional is what I told myself. It doesn't have to be all or nothing but I have to set my own priorities.

I used to text him back anywhere between 5 minutes and 5 hours after he texted me. I started paying attention to my phone and being available to him because it's a compliment I'm who he wants to talk to.

He calls me venting, for 30+ minutes sometimes, about his day and I try to make each time a lesson in empathy. I try so hard to picture how stressful things must be for him, and work on being his soft place to land. Anytime he would catch himself rambling about his anxieties and apologize I would remind him that if he needs an ear to chew there's no better than mine. Which, is true.

In the year we've been dating despite my aversion to exclusivity I've never even kissed another person, it's never been about promiscuity and he knows that (which is the absolute only thing that's kept me in the game). But even so, I've redoubled my efforts to be completely transparent and frankly it's warranted some disapproval with him (not sexually but just not the most critical decision-making). I've used those as an opportunity to, instead of becoming defensive, be open minded to what and why he is saying things, which is always out of caring. And I'll say not once has he come from an unreasonable place, and instead I just feel grateful that someone actually cares enough about me to always safeguard my wellbeing.

He made it very clear we were not exclusive until I display the qualities a significant other would posses. The first 2 weeks were the worst, it was a lot of dealing with all the difficulties of a relationship with none of the benefits. We got an opportunity to see one another in person and that helped set us up on the same track, though it wasn't by any means a silver bullet but instead just a good start. I've been doing my best to not put pressure on him to figure out if he still wants to be in me when I'm well aware I'm the one that got us in this position...that's been by far the greatest challenge, to try and not harass him until I get the answer I want. And I've definitely made some comments that were clearly oriented toward garnering sympathy. Thankfully he's really not been affected by them and I really do mean that I'm very thankful. I'm sure the instant gratification of knowing we were a couple again (woo!) would feel nice for 30 seconds. But bullying him into it? How would that make either of us feel after a week or a month? And the closer he lets himself get to me the more I can appreciate it for being completely authentic and not the result of nagging on my end. We've been Skyping more frequently and in the last 2-3 days he's called me his girlfriend -- I try not to put too much weight on it because I know he's not 100% there yet but it's fantastic knowing we are moving toward being on the same page.

Finally the cherry on top of this field report and the reason I'm typing it. It's been a rough few months for me, between the relationship struggles and the job hunt and moving back to our hometown and everything else...I'm not making myself proud in a lot of ways and it wears on me. Nothing sucks more than losing a dick measuring contest you were playing alone anyway.

D and I worked together, which was how we met, and I still do things for his company from time to time when he needs it. I'm working on this data entry project and I've been trying really hard to get it done but all the obstacles as of late have really gotten into my psyche, I just process everything so slowly because my attention span is shot. I called him last night to be honest about my inefficient pace in case he needs to outsource the work elsewhere and, naturally, I got emotional and worked up about everything getting to me and apologizing for being unreliable and unproductive. He first stopped me in my tracks without any "poor little baby you", and then told me to calm down and stop focussing on all the negative. I couldn't even think of any positive to focus on when he essentially said "Are you kidding me? You've put so much effort into us and I'm watching us begin to make sense again and can actually have some confidence in you. I'm looking forward to seeing you this weekend because you need to know I see what you're doing and you deserve some return on your investment."

It just felt so good knowing that I'm finally getting it right, and being directly acknowledged for it and knowing for sure that it matters. I honestly feel like a recovering alcoholic right now, like if I get too complacent with my success I'll be sucked right back into my old habits -- which is so much of why I love this community.

I want to be a meaningful and positive addition to the 50% I bring to a relationship. And today I finally got some validation that I'm succeeding at that goal. I know D. I'm not getting flowers, or some grand romantic gesture this weekend. That's one of the things I've always loved about him. He's practical and he only does things that make sense. I'm never playing games with him and I'm never confused about the situation. But that's just fine because it's so not what I need. Just knowing on a day to day basis, we're on the same team? That would be awesome.

I'm so rambling, so I'll end my report now, but basically I'm ecstatic for this weekend and if it wasn't for this community nothing like this would have been possible. I'm really grateful for this hardship in our relationship because without it I wouldn't have any reason to appreciate what I have.

Just to make this post of value to those kind enough to read, I'd like to share one of my biggest areas of improvement. Stop making your SO an imaginary person. I am guilty of doing this a lot. And what I mean is, avoid rehearsing a situation or dialogue in your head -- it may not even be specific verbiage but something more minor, like saying something to elicit a certain response or emotion from your SO. You can't plan other people's reactions.

I notice in conversations now, I'll say something, and he responds, and somehow his response leaves me disappointed. But if I ask myself, why am I disappointed? The only answer is because he didn't say what I wanted him to say. He didn't agree to something I wanted, or he didn't respond with the emotion I wanted (pity, perhaps?)

And if I can realize I'm making this mistake quickly enough, I can have the grace to continue the conversation without intentionally, or unintentionally, punishing him for not following my make-believe script (like persisting questions, being standoffish...all those immature things we do).

And a benefit to me is that because I didn't react negatively, he doesn't get a negative reaction that would dissuade him from either being authentic with me or create an opportunity for him to break frame and I get rewarded with compliance for nagging.

(I could, and maybe will write another post with a question about that -- avoiding opportunity to break your man's frame. Good idea, but makes you seem skeptical of him? Anyway.)

If you actually read this all you rock, and I hope it's of some inspiration or value to anyone in the community (: