Brand new, how to start handing over control with a move coming up?

cats_or_get_out · 2015-12-12T02:16:28+00:00

Tell him what want (end product) and then leave it be. If you're texting him about measurements and this that and the other thing, you're grabbing the wheel and trying to steer.

You are worried about his competence, about his ability to "man up." That's your problem, not his. He is a grown man. Treat him as such. Keep your insecurities to yourself. You haven't seen what he's capable of because you have been acting more like the mom of a teenage son--like you mean well but you constantly "remind" and hover.

You also need to face that he may not see it the way you do (e.g., with the paint). You can choose to fight this battle or chill out. I sense from your writing that "chill out" is a couple stages ahead of where you are now, and that's cool.

You may never fully relinquish that death grip, but I'm sure that your relationship and overall wellbeing will improve as you unwind a bit. Speaking as a recovering mega control freak, I am what I preach! :-)

[deleted] · 2015-12-12T17:59:14+00:00

I'm very very new to this myself...the only thing I'd say is, and I think others have already said it, don't make this moment into a test of your husband's leadership skills. If he's not doing anything towards painting the walls and fixing the tiles, maybe he just isn't worried about those things -- most likely he's already evaluated them and decided that the tiles aren't a safety concern. He is probably worried about other issues. But I'd say that if you are going to be home all day with a new baby, stressed out about the tiles and the walls, then you might start to resent him and imagine that he hasn't led well. Does that make sense? I mean, if this matters a lot to you then make sure he knows that. Don't just wait for him to read your mind.

ragnarockette · 2015-12-11T23:18:58+00:00

I think a really easy baby step that helped me when I got started was "bring him your problem, not your solution"

Honey I'm worried about painting the apartment and the baby breathing it
Honey I think we will have to address x, y, and z

Things of that nature. It's a good blueprint.

Littleknownfacts · 2015-12-11T19:59:10+00:00

The best thing you can do, is let your husband decide where he wants to step up and where he would prefer you to handle things. Maybe he doesn't care if the walls are panted, maybe he wants them painted a very specific color. The main thing to remember is to not squish his opinions when he does have them, and instead agree and encourage them. And if he doesn't care either way, do what you want but double check with him if it means more work on his part.

Of course you can bring up any preferences and concerns you have, especially when it comes to safety. But if he can't fix the problem the way you want the problem fixed or if he doesn't think it's as much of a problem as you do, then let it be.

[deleted] · 2015-12-12T02:45:19+00:00

Since this is a big change for you guys (and a good new moment to start!) I think it would be worth sitting down with him one night and saying, hey, I'm so excited about the move, let's figure out what all we need to do to prepare! Then as you make the list you can let him lead the conversation about the things he has an opinion on, wants to take on, thinks you're better suited to do, etc. If he doesn't offer his opinion you can gently ask and make sure he knows you really want his thoughts!

Since the pattern has been that you handle this kind of thing all on your own he probably doesn't really expect to suddenly take it all on or expect his opinion to be much wanted, so he may not even know how to respond to the texts.

Title	Brand new, how to start handing over control with a move coming up?
Author	Odharnait
Upvotes	4
Comments	8
Date	December 11, 2015 7:07 PM UTC (10 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/RedPillWomen
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/RedPillWomen/comments/3wew55/brand_new_how_to_start_handing_over_control_with/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/RedPillWomen/brand-new-how-to-start-handing-over-control-with-a.85835 https://theredarchive.com/post/85835

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