Before you bother even reading the details of this post, just look at the tl:dr. Only read the actual text if you need finer details

So I want to keep things breif and to the point. My ex-gf and I dated from ages of 16-19ish. I could write a whole novel on what happened. but briefly; A lot of fucked up things that happened in both of our personal lives. Things that neither of us had control over. I wanted her to be there for me. She wanted me to be there for her. We were both so hurt by the things happening in our lives, that we were unable to be there for each other. We were really hurt and lost people trying to find meaning etc. We broke up on a hateful note because things got progressively worse. A lot rumors spread about us by others (high school drama...always fun...), a few deaths in both our families, illnesses, and sexual abuse. Probably the worse 2 years of both our lives. Not a girl crying "rape". actual sexual abuse/rape attempts with honest male witnesses confirming this and stepping in to break it up

Years later, I felt the need to remedy things. I texted her. We both had dinner a month ago. talked about why things went wrong. We snapchatted back and forth. She was in the area again (we go to different colleges now but she drives by my college when she visits home) Two nights ago we had dinner and discussed what happened more in depth. It was light at first but then things really got rough. We both apologized and detailed exactly why we felt the way we felt. We both ended up hearing a side of each other's story that we never heard and really began to saw each other in a different light. Things made sense in a way that they didn't years ago.

Then came the inevitable "What happens now...?". I sort of thought we would go our own ways. If our paths crossed or if we were in the area we could chat. I love her (a lot) as a friend. Obviously the romantic feelings didn't disappear completely. but I never planned on being more than friends. I am in a great college now, and I have great job offers coming in. I may move across the country. I am trying to figure out which offer to take. She is finishing up pre-med in one of the top schools in the nation. has great friends, great gpa, and over all doing great. She admitted that she loved me and deep down that she was still really in love with me romantically/sexually (a lot. more than any person outside her family). Clearly she was upset that I wanted to go my own way. We said we would talk about it when she had time to think about it. "You can't just pop in my life like this. I was doing amazing. And now you are back in my life and you are just leaving? What the fuck?". To be fair, I thought she was completely over me so I never saw issues contacting her

EDIT: Its also fair to mention I am trying to get with another girl in my extended friend group. I had a huge period of drug abuse I am recovering from (currently sober). I am new to TRP and tbh I am just trying to fuck hoes. I am not planning on bringing any of this into her life. It would just freak her out. she is a great girl though. IMPORTANT COMPONENT OF THE STORY I was the one person she turned to after her sexual abuse. I never was properly there for her. I feel really guilty about that

tl:dr; we had a great relationship. Things went sour because of sexual abuse on her end. (I was not there for her) Family problems and horrible rumors on both ends. We just reconnected. She still loves me romantically and even suggested that we get back together. I don't think its a good idea, and I only love her as a friend. she really wants me to be with her. But I think she is not understanding how much potential she has. I want to close that door. I want her to find a great guy and move on. I think I am holding her back and may cut her off just because she wont do it for herself. I did sort of just pop in her life so I feel I owe her. But if I do get with her and things don't work out (they probably won't. I am not looking for a relationship, I am just trying to fuck hoes), I will hurt her a lot