Alright, I give up. I'm a fucking loser.

abdada · 2017-03-15T20:48:59+00:00

For how many years were you prescribed Ritalin or Adderall in your history?

coloredzebra · 2017-03-15T21:17:46+00:00

This was from my past post, but hope it sheds some initial light on my process, was in a similar situation as you are currently in:

yes, I was in a similar situation: Depressed from parents divorcing, never fully recovered, got into heavy cannabis use during high school, barely graduated, the whole Nine.

I would typically be at home playing league 24/7, had a shit body image, masturbated constantly, I was essentially a mess...Then college came, and it wasn't any better. My social anxiety was, so bad, that I skipped class, and being stoned 24/7 didn't help. So, I took a break from college, and took a step back to regain my personal, and mental health. Then I took the initiative. I liked running, back in high school it made me feel better. So, with baby steps I started running a little bit everyday. It helped me get out of the house, and helped focus on myself. Even if it was a brief walk.

Physical exercise/ small goal setting is the cure to clinical depression. Your body needs to activate it's natural endorphins and reward system.

Simple things as cleaning your room, washing the dishes, small things add up.

I went from a hermit on the computer 24/7, to now staying busy, setting small goals, waking up at 4 am to hit the gym, and I'm eager to get back to my education.

By no means will things change overnight, but it's taking the small steps, which is often overlooked. I realized, no one really cares what you do, we're so ingrossed in our own problems, and even if I encounter a snickering remark, I knew it would come to pass. (That motivated me even more.)

Realize this:

You've got one life to live, what will you do, whom will you become?

Then take it day by day, step by step, to get there. Make it a goal to do something new everyday to get you out of your baseline comfort zone.

Eat healthier, get moving.

tardisgroaning · 2017-03-16T06:54:53+00:00

Or maybe just offing myself is better off to save myself from feeling empty.

Please don't. Do you think you make a kind of mental contract with yourself that you can hold yourself to, where you can say: "OK, right here and now I've decided suicide isn't ever going to be a solution. I know that even when I'm sitting here and barely just existing and things seem so fucking pointless that I want to crack, that things change in my environment all the time. Therefore things will be different in the future because external change is inevitable. That is logic and undeniable; and it's also logical to assume that these external events will change me slightly over time, even if I spend 90% of my time indoors. Because external change forces its way in through various avenues whether I want it too not. Hence, change is inevitable. And while I can assume these changes might be for the worse, it is statistically improbable that the chance events will all be bad. It's statistically likely that good things will happen to me in the future and that this present state has zero chance of going on forever."

I think when I was at my darkest point that I could intellectually acknowledge things MIGHT change for the better, but I didn't care and didn't really feel that it offered much hope - at first. Then I thought it over a bit more and started to internalize it a bit. I realized that some positive things MUST happen (and they did). I also recognize that some awful things also happen, but I keep reminding myself that I chose that "opting out" of life wasn't an option.

Therapy helped. So did some anti-depressants; I'm not on them presently but I think they can really help some people.

The depression has gotten to the point of pure... apathy.

I understand you. The problem is that others who have never experienced depression don't get this. They think depressed means you're feeling "really down" and they'll say stupid things like: "Just shake yourself out of it." It's incredibly stupid of them to say this and it seems heartless, but remember they have no idea what depression feels like - that perfect entanglement of hopelessness, apathy, and "numbing pain" is the right description.

Everything I do is procrastination, everything.

Yep. You feel locked inside it and can every so often realize, "all I'm doing is procrastinating. I'm not living, I'm just existing." But at your worst points people don't understand that depression blinds you from taking any real action. Speaking out here on the internet is at least a step in addressing this, being real with yourself about it. It shows you have the self-awareness to realize it's a problem and want to talk about it. Even if you don't want to talk about it with family etc, that's totally fine. You need to start finding your way back in the ways you can manage. I think you're starting to do that already just by writing this post.

I don't talk about my feelings, to anyone. Never. The only outlet to my true feelings is through the internet. I think somewhat of it is just me having too much pride to admit it and also I don't want to be judged. I also don't like my family too much and they won't ever truly understand.

I suppose we can technically change this to "I ~~don't talk~~ haven't talked to anyone, ~~ever~~ until now." Because you have taken the initiative to talk about it here and now. That seems minor but think about what a major step it is from saying nothing to anyone. Even though you're writing this on the internet, you know that there are people here who have read what you've written and we're responding. So you have essentially started talking about it, which is a step in the right direction.

I don't take showers for a week or two because idgaf what anyone thinks about me in class. I just want to go to school and go home.

Do you still find that you're able to go to school? I found it hard and forced myself to attend when things were particularly bad, sort of doing it in a dream-state of not really taking anything in. I made my way through it and got the grades through sheer force, but the school environment was a tough one.

Do you think it's a good thing that you are still able to go to school - do you ever think, "It feels like I spend all the time inside and I mostly do, however, I do go to school, and that indicates I go outside at times?"

Even getting outside a LITTLE bit helps. And the not wanting to shower thing is normal of someone with clinical depression.

Can't get help from anyone because I don't want to be looked at as a fucking crazy loser by my family. Majority of my family already probably look at me with scorn of how I'm almost 19 (in a week) but never have gotten an actual job. They may not say it. But I feel it.

This was the killer for me. I know what you're saying. You can sense that they think that. It makes you not want to talk to them because you don't want to face their judging behavivour, even if you know they "love" you in their way. (My parents were not particularly understanding however all parents are different.)

By all means don't cut your family off, but also don't allow them to put all this guilt onto you. Even if you feel that the guilt might come from YOUR conception of what they are feeling, it's still something you need to get rid of - the control that guilt has. You don't need pressure from others, even if it is perceived, on top of the pressure you're putting onto yourself.

I'm not sure what else to say except PM if you need to talk at all, and I really believe you can turn this around. You're intelligent and self-aware enough to acknowledge this is a problem. You've taken the step of finally addressing it by stating it here. And we are listening and PLEASE believe we don't want you committing suicide - sincerely and seriously.

Title	Alright, I give up. I'm a fucking loser.
Author	Nullify_It
Upvotes	1
Comments	19
Date	March 15, 2017 8:48 PM UTC (9 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/askTRP
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/asktrp/comments/5zm2jk/alright_i_give_up_im_a_fucking_loser/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/askTRP/alright-i-give-up-im-a-fucking-loser.87799 https://theredarchive.com/post/87799

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