I have found my emotional state to fluctuate pretty wildly. Most of the time, I am somewhat depressed, I feel bad about myself, can't make eye contact, am timid and feel ashamed of everything about myself. I've found, however, that after heavy lifting and/or intense exercise I feel completely different, almost like a new person. I can make and hold eye contact. My slouched posture fixes itself. I can dance, sing without judging the shit out of myself. My brain is clear and way less foggy.

Now I understand this is probably due to endorphins, dopamine and whatnot in my brain when I exercise. My question is, how can I achieve this state without exercise? It seems to fade a few hours after any workout I do. Is there anything I can do to feel something other than my usual sullen state?

I've just started meditating regularly. I'm sleeping earlier, and although I don't track everything I eat, I try my best to eat healthy home cooked meals as often as I can. Is there something I'm missing? Some days I just feel awful and worthless. I've tried SSRI's in the past, but I stopped because they made me feel numb. I'm hoping to not rely on medication, but I'd like to know if anyone else has had positive experiences with it if nothing else worked. I've also tripped before, and while it gave me life changing perspectives, I always come back to sad, sober me.

TLDR: I hate myself most of the time, but when I exercise hard I love myself. How do I love myself most of the time?