I needed to write this and put it out in the world. My struggle with the courts and the mother have nearly broken me, and drained my bank accounts. Of course I will keep fighting, because that is what a good father is supposed to do. But I needed to write, and share.

This is a story of injustice. It does, however involve a young, innocent child. Like all things in this life, the inclusion of a child who should be loved and cared for no matter what brings the feeling that we need to protect that child. I don’t think anyone would disagree with that sentiment. But, at the same time we need to look at what our single minded focus brings to the other living beings in the situation. That leads me to the question that you are probably asking yourself about now. What is the situation? Well, that story is long and convoluted. I will do my best to give an honest overview of what is going on. It started a bit over a year ago. I had a child with a woman that I did not know. A night of drunken impropriety lead to the conception of a child. A night of infidelity. Yes, I own the fact that I cheated on my girlfriend. An amazing woman that is still with me, and trying to work through this infidelity so that we can get back on the path that we saw for ourselves. This is not how people want to create the living embodiment of their legacy, but it is how mine was created. I’ve come to terms with that fact, and am trying to do what is right, to be a better father than mine ever was. Yet, here we are. I am sitting here writing out a letter, a pouring out of my pain, my struggle and my heart to people I don’t know. I have not been a perfect person, but I am working to be a good person for this little innocent boy. Yet at every turn I am met with a cold, uncaring system that says it puts the needs of the child ahead of all else, but really what that means is to protect the mother and give the mother as much as they can with no consideration for the life of the man that is being stretched thin.

The first massive point of stress is the fact that the mother has developed a story in her head that all I am is an evil person. There is some basis for this though, as I did not react well to her telling me that I was going to be a father, that she was going to keep the child. I will be honest, at the time I did not want to be a father. But that is the past, and I must look forward not back. The reality of the situation is that I am a father. With this point of view in mind, she is fighting me every step of the way. I don’t even want to look at my lawyer bills. I am stressed, my work is being effected. And, my relationship with my girlfriend is being strained to the limits. This is not supposed to be an easy task, but she has gone out of her way to stomp and claim she is afraid and rail against me and my girlfriend at every point. And yet, what happens? Nothing. She can try and prevent me from seeing the child that we have together, and my only recourse is to spend thousands of dollars on a lawyer and hope.

And now we get to money. The ways that the interstate child support laws are written. The state that the child lives in sets the length of support, and the state that the non-custodial parent (in this case me, and NY) lives in sets the amount of support. The fact that everyone claims that support is not meant to be alimony - even more so in the situation where there was no marriage, and not current standard of living to uphold - turns out to not really be true. If it was true the state that the child lives in who has the best view of raising a child in that state would set all support parameters. And yet, here we are I have to pay NY’s punitive rates for a child that lives at his grandmother’s house in central NJ.

NY’s calculations are punitive you ask? Yes. Period, end of sentence. For those of you that do not know how NY calculates basic support they do the following:

Take your GROSS (yes gross income) Subtract a few deductions - NYC city tax, FICA (notice NOT FEDERAL tax) Multiply that number by .17 (or more if you have more than one child)

So what does this look like? Let’s take a hypothetical look.

A man makes $100,000 a year (under the $143,000 a year cap) and the woman he was never married to is voluntarily unemployed. She chooses not to work, not that she can’t work for some reason this is a conscious decision to not work.

So let's say they net about $5,200 a month. Now NY child support doesn’t care about you saving for retirement, they don’t care about federal tax. You can deduct FICA and NYC tax. So for NY’s calculation the number used is about $7346, that’s about an $1100 dollar swing, and I’m being ordered to pay from money that I do not have! The federal government has it. What does that doe to the ordered child support? Well, that means under the NY calculations, I have to pay almost $400 a month MORE out of money I don’t actually have.

I am personally all for supporting your children, but I am being punished by not basing the calculation on my NET pay. Simply put I’m being told to pay money for a childs cost of living, that I would not be able to use for a child had I been married. Does that sound even close to fair?

I have great respect for our court system, and our system of laws, but in this particular instance the laws are unfair, unjust and take advantage of people at one of the hardest times of thier lives. In addition to that it preys on people who cannot fight ongoing legal battles to prove that this system is unjust. The people that can afford these things have other greater concerns.

I know there is nothing that can really change my situation, but I just needed to tell my story. I want badly to focus on building a relationship with my child, but I cannot really do that until this is resolved.

Thank you for listening.