apologies for possible bad english in advance. well, where do i start. i met her in school. we did not have many courses together and never really talked much. but it hit me right from the first fucking moment i saw her. she ist not a typical Beauty as you might imagine.she was small, a little bigger/fatter,had Tattoos etc. and she just was/is the epitome of my type. back then i never thought she would date me because i was, for the lack of a better word "normal". at that time i was actually never really interested in finding a girlfriend, i just wanted to fuck. at which i was not at all successful back then, haha. after school i was abroad for nearly 2 years. when i came back i just felt like having a girlfriend. after being at home for a couple of months i saw her online on a Dating app. so we started texting and we met once. fuck me, after asking her out and she saying yes i experienced such joy and happiness as i have never fekt before. i could nor sleep that day because i was so fucking thrilled. after that no 2nd date took place. she always saying that she had so mnuch stress because of uni etc. so we ended up always postponing it. and i clearly told her:" if you don't want to meet again just say so directly etc." and she always said that she wanted to but just did not have the time at the moment. eventually, she came up with some lame excuses as to why she can't meet again, uni, Sport and all the other obligtions she had to uphold. a couple weeks later she had a boyfriend. i always suspected that she was lying, but after telling her that she just could tell me if she is not interested in me i really felt betrayed and fucked over, toyed with etc. i have been rejected before, but it never really did hurt that much. this time, i was devastated. i cried myself to sleep for a couple of days and became deeply depressed, which i still am to some extend. i stopped studying because i just could not handle it any longer. ... not a single day went by without me thinking about her. i asked myself "what could you have done better?", "if only you did this instead of that" etc. etc. and got even more sad.... constantly reminding myself of my own mistakes and ultimate failure. i never wanted anything so bad in my life as her. during the next 2 years i fucked multiple other chicks, for which i did not feel a fucking thing. even while making out with them or fucking them i only thought of her and why it could not have been this easy with her. this continues to this very day. i am a rather good looking guy, hit the gym and all that, i am 24 now and have slept with probably around 40+/- 3 women. but i fucking only want her. anyways, last december i happened to see her again online. so i texted her saying that i am sorry for what happned back then and if i could i would do it all differently when i had the chance. so we started texting again. oh, in the meantime i moved to another city to study. so during the Semester brake i was at home for 4 weeks. i asked if we could meet. she said yes. but again no time haha. i told her again. just say so if you want me to fuck off. she negated. i just did not want to feel the same way again i ahd before the first time she ripped my heart out and spit on it. i was weary of her the whole time. because of the first incident i grew very distrustful of women in general. then after a couple weeks of uni i was at home for easter. we wanted to meet on sunday. days earlier she already started saying that she felt sick. however, she wanted to visit her godson on saturday. on saturday i was with friends. we played poker and spontaneously decided to party. earlier in the day she told me that she was too sick to visit him. so arriving at the club who the fuck do i see - her. the funny thing is she approached me. i asked her concerning her sickness and i don't remember what she said. we talked and she told me (100% her words):" concerning tomorrow, i have not called it off, so we meet." i should have probably stayed in the club longer, gotten shitfaced and banged her ... she told me that she would come to my place at around 15.00 o clock. she was having lunch with Family she told me. the next day: time passes, 3 oclock, 4 oclock, 5 o clock, .... i can't remember what she told me. her Family would not let her go because she was not there the last year or so. well, she told me that she could come by later but as i was invited to a birhday Party, i could not "wait". the next day i wanted to go back to the place i study at around 18:00 o clock. she knew this. and she asked on saturday if we could meet on monday. so i said we could. i waited till 3 oclock. she did not message me till then and i thought to myself "fuck it " so i recorded a voice message telling her what she thinks of me that she can treat me like that. keeping me on the hook and all. i did not Insult her. she denied everything, said just simply turned off her Alarm clock and kept sleeping and loads of other bullshit.

i dont' have a fucking clue if did her wrong or if she really just played with me. her mindgames totally fucked me up. but to this day, i still want her. i think of her everyday. i fuck other chicks i think of her. i am a miserable piece of shit for not making her my girl. i have suicidal thoughts, i am depressed and sad all the time. i feel embarrassed that this bitch got to me in that way and that it affects me so much. i cry almost everyday when i think about this and what i have become. any advice?