I'm hoping to get some advice here. It will be a long one. First, some stats.

I'm a 20 year old college junior studying industrial graphics. 6'1", 205 lbs, around 20% body fat. Last semester I switched from engineering, which I hated, to my current major which I like a lot more. I also have a lot more free time now, and decided to make some changes. I started going to the gym a lot more, at least 3 times a week. I picked up rugby, joined an animal science club I wanted to check out and got a leadership position in both. In terms of physique, I'm definitely stronger and more muscular but not necessarily thinner inb4 cut carbs. I cut back on masturbating and continued dressing well. All of these combined have helped with sorting out some pretty severe depression related body image problems; I finally recognize myself in the mirror, and would not say that I am ugly guy either. I'm not a virgin, I've had two lefty self destructive girlfriends in the past.

I won't lie, the main reason that I made all these changes was to attract women. Though not to fuck them, and this is where it gets complicated. For me, sex and emotion are connected. I don't find satisfaction in just pursuing lust, but don't feel satisfied getting emotional feedback with no physical intimacy. I think what I want/wanted is/was a relationship.

So here I am, several months later, still single, and not for lack of trying. I've been put in and put myself in situations where I can meet women. While this has greatly reduced my anxiety talking to them, it's not gotten me anywhere in my goals. In fact, I was the only male member of my animal science club until very recently. I am treated like a wall fixture, an intimate object when I talk to women. I've made plenty of new male friends, though no female ones. I've not had one date this entire school year, though I've asked a few women out. With the year ending I feel creepy, disgusting, and defective upon realizing that I'm effectively at square one. I feel unworthy of girls' attention. At the same time, they're not shit, in fact a lot of women I meet are pretty unremarkable, flawed, and even have "bitchy" qualities.

I know how you guys operate. I found TRP last year and was turned away by the focus on satisfying lust. It's also a level of metacognition I find sinister and overwhelming. However, I've realized that I've been enacting some TRP principles by trying to be more stoic and masculine. Where before I would have thought that I could be vulnerable with my partner, I realize now I must be invulnerable 24/7.

Still, I have no idea what to do. I've thought of just pursuing casual sex as a vengeful act, since I feel like I've been treated so superficially. I could make it happen, I'm a smart guy and have a lot of new knowledge and strategies compared to even a year ago. I feel like the deciding factor with me and women is that I don't treat them like I just want to fuck them, act cocky and agressive, etc. That is so uncharacteristicly me, and is not a way I want to act. However, I will do what I have to do if there's no other way.

I'm in turmoil because one day, I want a wife and family. I want a connection with her, that emotional caviar in and out of the bedroom. Divorce is not an option, I want my kids to have a good upbringing in a stable house. I don't want to be a hippocrite, to live a hedonistic life and then pretend I can just go back to being virtuous.

I don't have a particular question but rather hope that I can get some advice since I feel like many of you have dealt with these problems before.