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Overcoming the figurative monster of divorce and more--Video approved by moderators

itonlyhappenstwo

August 14, 2021

4 upvotes

/r/Divorce_Men

https://youtu.be/e-fRDZ_BCCU

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Post Information

Title	Overcoming the figurative monster of divorce and more--Video approved by moderators
Author	itonlyhappenstwo
Upvotes	4
Comments	3
Date	August 14, 2021 7:52 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/p4eus8/overcoming_the_figurative_monster_of_divorce_and/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/overcoming-the-figurative-monster-of-divorce-and.962903 https://theredarchive.com/post/962903

Comments

[–]itonlyhappenstwo[S] -1 points0 points1 point 4 years ago (3 children) | Copy Link

In posting this video, first I will say I am thankful to the moderator(s) for approving its posting. Second, I was moved by the depth of discussion in this subreddit, and believe I have relevant experience. My experience, is different than that of strict legal advice and stuff, so I support those notions of "talk to a lawyer." And I will add, that to me, much of it boils down to mindset; in that gear yourself, you are facing a horrifically unfair situation. Your challenge/opportunity is to develop yourself and a stance to appropriately take this on, to the best of your abilities. I am a believer in overcoming, particularly when you are dealing with unfairness. That is why I say, it is an opportunity to draw your priorities down from 1000 to the 2,3 or few that really matter.

I walked the walk with this for twenty-five years. Mine, was made even more emotionally torturous, because a previously supported family sided against me. Still, I could not get angry, I could not afford that; I needed to keep the focus on my children for long stretches, and then my life and my business. I will not get "spiritual;" I will only say believe in yourself, do not accept unfairness, and by all means take your stand peacefully, calmly and appropriately, even if your stand, initially means getting up after being knocked down. I do not know everything, but I know we have been there and you can do it! Thanks.

[–]pegleg_legal 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (2 children) | Copy Link

[–]itonlyhappenstwo[S] 0 points1 point2 points 4 years ago (1 child) | Copy Link

Good morning pegleg_legal,

Thank you for your question. To me, based on what I consider the more than twenty-five years of an abusive situation, which I used as a crucible to, as the video indicates to turn my life from coal into diamond, I would say appropriately is a few things.

One is learning the challenging path, towards being the "third way;" which in layman's terms would be, being neither aggressive nor passive, but being assertive. I use this word in a loving sense for the men of this forum. To me, in general, and especially in a divorce situation, aggression, anger even, will trigger responses that can devastating. Much of society than will historically lapse into a sense, if we cannot force our way through things, than just forget and be passive. Assertive, closely related to appropriate for me, means that we will finds ways to convey our viewpoint, with consistency and respect, and for that matter a sense of confidence, even when things are not going our way.

In the potentially volatile context of domestic relations, it surely means no violence or threats thereof, even and this was a personal choice for me, rejecting anger. It does not mean that we will not be disappointed, or have fearful and sad emotions; it is that we must develop constructive channels to express those challenging emotions. Key is that we have a higher goal as a guiding light. This goal can be for our children, for our own lives, to resist unfairness, or some combination thereof.

So, I will use words like calm, determined, respectful, patient and more; and people either get that or they don't, which I believe most will. :) I did not really use the word "inappropriate." As a mediator, trainer and coach I prefer to work towards building people up towards developing the inner strength to live and exude those positive qualities. My words in this setting are those of love and encouragement, even caution to convey to men, do not give up the "appropriate" fight no matter what. To realize the patent unfairness of some of this, and to take that as a challenge to you, to grow into positive things. We are all human, everyone has a different set of challenges, although with many similarities here. People can take what I offer or not. Thank you again for asking.