My whole life I have been masking my autism in order to fit with normal people. It's a life full of overthinking of every interaction, second guessing every sentence you are about to say and neverending analysis of your successes and mistakes. I can pass as normal to some degree, but often the mask inevitably slips. Then you are treated as asshole doing something weird on the purpose. You won't get any tolerance or understanding for wrong behavior. And if you can't fit the expectations of being normal, like having a girlfriend as an adult, again, you are considered as someone deliberately avoiding it rather than someone objectively incapable of it.

Someone visibly and undeniably autistic has it easier. I knew confident autists who simply act fully as they are. They don't give a single fuck about fitting in. They'll be obnoxious, they'll be weird, they'll ignore every social rule - they are just being themselves. Some NTs will hate them hard, but everyone knows they can't help it. So they have that excuse, they get some pity, they get more tolerance. I know one autist from my school who everyone in class hated for his ultra arrogant atittude - he found a cute girl, dated her and married her. He wasn't even good looking, looked like a stereotypical nerd. It makes me think, what do I really have to show for my effort to be normal? That I rather avoid women than to make them uncomfortable? That I keep quiet rather than saying weird shit nobody is interested in? Is that really worth it in the end?...