I’m an obese man that is bitter towards woman, how do I overcome it?

551 points•562 comments•submitted by Peace_Maleficent to r/selfimprovement

(EDIT 1/13/23 at the end)

So for most of my life I’ve been overweight and basically invisible towards women. I’m 31, 6’1, 305 lbs, male. As I’ve grown older I’ve come to understand that I am fully responsible for my own weight, and it is not a woman’s fault that I’m obese. For most of my life I’ve tried to take ownership and responsibility of my body by working out, and eating healthy. I’ve gone through significant bodily changes twice in my life where I was skinny for a short time until I gained the weight back. I’m currently back in the gym and eating healthy again, hoping this time I don’t fall off. I’m doing it for me, and no one else.

But in this journey, in my heart, I do feel a bitterness towards women. In my head I know this isn’t logical. I know that people have their preferences and most women don’t want a guy who is obese. Everybody wants an attractive person. Also again it’s not any woman’s fault that I am obese. But being rejected by women does sting. Being ignored by women does sting. Being looked at with disgust by women does sting. When all of my male coworkers get laid but my female coworkers can’t stand the sight of me that stings. When associates I work with don’t invite me out to certain events because I’m overweight and they don’t want me to scare off potential women, that stings. I’m holding back tears just typing this up, I’ve been through a lot of pain, I’m sorry.

I’m not a saint but I’ve always tried to be a good man. Eventually, through blood sweat and tears I’m going to lose this weight and I’m going to keep it off. When that time comes, and I’ve improved my outward appearance what do I do? Do I treat women the same way they have treated me for many years? Do I become a dog? Do I look at them in disgust? Do I make fun of overweight women and treat them poorly? Do I only date size zero women?

In my heart I want to treat women the way they have treated me my entire life. In my head, I know revenge isn’t the answer, this won’t make me a better person, and I will ending up hurting myself AND an innocent women who had nothing to do with the pain I’ve suffered. I’m conflicted. And unfortunately I don’t have access to free therapy, and that stuff is expensive as hell. So here I am, pouring my heart out on Reddit looking for advice lol.

(EDIT 1/13/23) Wow I really did not expect so many responses! Thank you so much for taking the time to help me out, I really appreciate it. I’ve read through the responses and there’s a lot to unpack. I’ve jotted down a few key takeaways

1) My post, and by extension my way of viewing reality can be seen as sexist, misogynistic, and dangerous to women. Im sorry, I must do better. I need to reframe and work through my emotions IMMEDIATELY.

2) Bitterness towards specifically women doesn’t make sense, because society is hard on obese people in general. There are plenty of women who are going through the same things I am. I’d basically have to be angry at society.

3) I am not resentful of women, I’m resentful of how society makes me feel as society reminds me of my own feelings of unworthiness.

4) Therefore the answer is to work on loving myself, so that one day I can feel worthy, regardless of my size. This will take a lot of time and self reflection.

5) In the meantime holding negative feelings, even if justified, isn’t productive and won’t get me anywhere. I will take a quality over quantity approach with women and focus on building meaningful connections with quality women. For now it will be platonic and once I get myself together mentally, emotionally, and physically maybe I can aim for more with a quality woman I have created a real bond with.

Maybe I’ll give another update once I lose the weight on how things are going. My heart already feels a little lighter.