Hello

Posted a few times, thanks for all the feedback and support. Not to rewrite everything: I’m 38. She 35. Married 2 years, and together 7 years all together. No kids.

She initiated the separation last year November. Had a lot of lawyer stuff in between using a mediator. Went ok-ish. Even though prenup I still had to give some things, on lawyers recommendation due to law in South Africa etc. (I’m still in Europe at the moment whereas she moved back).

Anyhow, gave her a tat more than wanted. But at least the negotiation is over which was quite emotionally taxing.

FYI: the 2 years we’ve been married we only spend 4 months together so it was not weird not having her around.

Ive had a tough December post separation. But post that I was really ok. Integrating in my environment, doing things etc.

But fuck me - the last 7 days have been just as bad as the start. - we had some comms re final things to be picked up, admin work. - final court date finalised - she got one animal, which left the house. This definitely hit me harder than expected. - small things have been triggering me, making me think back to her and us. Example, cold and snow on the mountains. Where i always had to hike alone as she was never here. Things like that. - plus the cherry on the cake was that the promotion/new role I was working to (and why I moved to Europe - my career) had been made redundant (I still have my current role).

Either way, I’ve had a lot of cries. Feeling emotionally drained and just somehow struggling - like I said - like in the first week post separation.

I know things will get better. Ideally once the papers have been signed (will hopefully know the court date next week). But it’s just tough…

Ps: I don’t want her back, I’ve got no feelings like that. More like anger, resentment, sadness, hurt, betrayal. (I don’t have relief at the moment).

Also I won’t make a decision re my future at the moment, but am thinking about taking a few weeks off and just being close to family or something like that.

Just to add one thing - it feels like I’m rethinking similar things as I did at the start. On where it went wrong, and all those things. I really thought I was past it all.