Well, I don’t hardly know where to begin or what in the world I oughta do. We've been together nineteen years now, married seventeen of them. Three kids, and one of em has special needs. She’s severely developmentally delayed. She can put her own clothes on and take a bath and all, but she's never gonna be able to live out on her own. But anyways...

My maybe-soon-to-be ex-wife, she has PTSD from an abusive childhood, including sexual abuse. She’s smart and she can do things, but she hasn't held down a job in over ten years. In her own head, she sees herself as disabled, but she wouldn't never say that out loud. Because of her mental illness, this marriage has been real rough going. I been basically her keeper the whole time, through a mess of huge knock down, drag out fights. It’s just worn me out over the years, and I just can't keep at it anymore. She won't get the heavy-duty therapy she needs, even though she’d tell you she is. She hasn't seen any therapist in months. She tried a bit, but she never finishes anything unless someone's holding a threat over her.

I still love her despite all this, but I don't want to be married anymore. I can't handle the twice a month fights, I cry all the time. I hate myself, I hate my life, I hate everything about me and who I've become. I've tried to protect her from everything scary and all I did was hurt myself.

I don't think she gets it. She just sees me as the angry person who yells after she's degraded me, insulted my feelings, and dismissed my sadness. If I get angry or have an outburst once I'm hurt its always the justification she uses for why she's right and I'm hurting her. It's the worst kind of manipulation because she isn't wrong, I shouldn't get angry. I just can't help it anymore. I've never hurt anyone in my life and I never would, but if I throw a can of coke at tree I'm "abusive" and "threatening". Her actions are always justified by how I respond, though. Always.

Three years ago, she took a lot of money we had saved , borrowed a bunch more, and she more or less gambled it on penny stocks. Lost it all. And then kept it a secret from me for months. It was about $30k total. I stupidly forgave her because I was sad about the kids mom having to move out and not have anything. She has no family here, they all live in another country and she has no friends to speak of.

We have very little. We live in Kansas, we have a house that we bought together long ago and is 2/3 paid off. A camper because I LOVE camping. If I sell everything except the house I don't have enough to pay out her half so I'll probably have to sell it.

I have enough in my IRA that I could cash it out and set her up in an apartment but I'm still paying off the debt from her stock market gambling. I'd have my job and the house and the kids but I'd have nothing left. I'd have to sell everything of value except the house and that would still only give her about 1/3 of our total assets. And she won't be able to get a job to actually help out, whether it's child support or something else.

I want to tell her to get out, to give her what I can give her, and tell her she has to settle for that due to her past financial infidelity and hope that she doesn't insist on a lawyer and a judge. Even still, I'm sad for her. And I'm mostly sad for our kids who have no idea how badly she's hurt me. And probably how badly I hurt her. It's hard being in a relationship with someone who has a mental illness. I'm very imperfect.

And I really don't know what I should do. I don't want to pay a lawyer. I can't afford it. And the fight to get a judge to agree with me that she already blew her half by lying to me and basically stealing money would be expensive too.

Can anyone help me put this in perspective?