Update.... Counseling has not worked and ended badly. Now we are still together and just pretending this is working. I live with the guilt that though neither of us has been unfaithful or bitter, we aren’t getting better with each other. Still unsure but worried about pulling the trigger daily.

Original post: So afraid of how I feel. I’ve always loved my wife through thick and thin, bad medical news, family issues, etc. but I fear her years of depression and negativity have brought me to the end of our marriage. I’m both physically and mentally exhausted and on the verge of filing. I know she is now trying but it feels too little too late.

Me (43M) her (36F) have been married for a dozen years and together one before that. We have been able to take on challenges but day to day is all but impossible. We have small children who I am fearful for the most. I have three girls and they are my everything. Our relationship is not what I want to model for them or want them to observe as normal when they are older. The bitterness is not what they should expect. In my heart I feel that if they were not in the picture, divorce would have already happened but I’m trying to protect them.

We have not been intimate on a regular basis since we were married. She is a survivor of abuse and sex has never been something she wanted or initiated. I had no idea of this until almost 9 years after we were married. We were intimate only she had been drinking and so I felt as though she didn’t love me.

She is truly a great mother but could care less for years about being a wife. I’ve been unhappy for quite some time and I’ve asked her to do couples counseling. She started therapy 4 years ago when the secret of abuse was revealed and has been medicated for depression since. I told her things were in a bad place two years ago and asked her to address it with me. After no real response for months, I asked her to do couples counseling. We did counseling for 7 months last year and she quit saying she was too busy with the kid’s activities. Things got bad again, continued sniping and depression. We are well off financially and she has not worked for 10 years. When she has she constantly beats herself up over her work products as not good enough. She is very talented and I constantly try to encourage and reinforce her self value but she just doesn’t see what I see in her.

I feel selfish thinking of myself but it’s literally killing me. I set off on a period of self improvement several years ago and lost close to 200 pounds. Got fit and made other changes thinking it would make me more attractive to her. Over the last year I began losing weight and hair and having gastric issues which several doctors have diagnosed as severe stress.

I had the first open and honest conversation about how bad it had gotten that I think she actually listened too. I’ve asked her to begin counseling again and she has agreed in hopes things will improve.

I came from very little financially and had a hard upbringing but despite a lack of money, we were always thankful for what we had and for each other. I just can’t get her to understand that we are blessed in life to have each other and the life we’ve built together. She has a horrible self image and no matter what I see in her she can’t see it in herself and it’s heartbreaking.

Hoping the counseling works this time but preparing for the worse. Giving it a set amount of time but worried about my own health and the future of our children. I’ve never failed at something so important in my life and I don’t want to start now. However, I feel in a corner and unable to cope.