Hi all My feelings are running up and down… yo-yo-ing.

Aspects are broken down into backstory, feelings, next steps and summary. Skip to summary for the exact pain point. :)

Married 2 years Me (m38).m, she f35. We’re dating for 5 years prior.

Backstory: Since 6 months pre wedding things went super down hill. I had my doubts of getting married but things were quite far down the rabbit hole. And have been unhappy before that as well - but she had good characteristics.

Regardless. Married. A month later we temporarily moved to her parents’ small holding as we wanted country side and this was a a short stop. Things got worse there.

Then we relocated overseas and things just keep on becoming worse. In October 2022 (11 months since wedding) she really clocked out mentally and Her mother had a massive drunk outburst at me that I wasn’t able to forgive (when we visited country briefly).

Ever since she was more in our home country than with me for her start up business. I supported the idea but told her it’s too much time apart. Let’s move back. She was the one that said let’s stay longer. Anyway. 2023, she was physically in presence with me in January as well as may and June. The rest of the year she was somewhere else. (We did have sex once every time I saw her… which has been an ongoing issue as well for even pre marriage ‘I’m tired, let’s rather tomorrow , never initiates etc - you all know the story).

February I had burnout. And fell into severe depression (2nd time in my life for both). April I started intensive therapy. June we started marriage counselling and then online. November - on 2 year anniversary she said she doesn’t want to be married anymore.

Feelings: Anger came in as things got worse after marriage counselling - she was angrier and said I hurt her feelings. And can’t forgive me.

I organised several trips for her, and for us to spend time together and bond. She didn’t join on any and cancelled them.

I became extremely jealous when she was out partying with random guys when she was working in France till 4 in the morning… for a week straight. (Post harvest as she is in wine industry and I know post harvest they celebrate the hard work).

Then back to home country she started treating me the same way how she treated her ex bf when I met her. “Sending pics of food and saying I’m with friends”. When I said the next day - which friends - she said this and this and this guy. I said - I’ve never in 7 years heard these names. You fly back, and the very day you arrive you hang out with people I’ve never heard of?’

So when she asked for divorce I was not shocked. I saw it coming. I was somewhat relieved as I’ve been living 12 out of 18 months alone in the new country. Life with her has been tough. It’s as if she really hates me when she is in physical presence of me. But super lovey dovey when far away. Now that divorce has started - she kept on using my cards. I asked her if she had changed her mind each time post usage - she says no.

I blocked the cards. Then I feel guilty - does she need money? (I know she has got the startup, which costs money. She does do work on a fixed contract so she does have an income). I gave her one of my cars (that she had been using for the last 4 years).

Yet - everytime I see money deducted it hurts.

Then I woke up this morning and she removed me on WhatsApp from her wine update group of her business. It was bound to be. But she did so at 04:30 in the morning. And it just hurt.

Incidentally I was also in her Home town (very popular holiday place) when I visited two friends of mine plus I dreamt about my ex last night.

So I am feeling relieved. It’s better. I’m angry because I tried and feel she didnt. Yet I feel sorry for her. And certain days are better others less.

Next steps: I insisted a lawyer as he said it’s easier that way as I’m based somewhere else. I’m waiting anxiously to hear back from the x on this - as their whole family are lawyers. This also adds stress.

I feel a little lost on where to be. I prefer my home country (but a 3rd world country with political issues). I’ve got a passport from Europe as I am born there and lived there before my parents immigrated so living is easy where I am regardless.

I somehow think back to the coldness of her towards me. And my mind goes to her hooking up with others guys - now or in the future (I don’t think she has - I asked her - she said no and I don’t think it’s part of her character).

And then everyone I play through all of the above - less often now - but still do - and then get a know in my tummy. Get angry. Feel sad. Feel sorry for her. And then I know we still need to chat going forward is really hurting.

We don’t have kids. Got two cats. She wants one of them. (I can imagine how tough it’s for people with kids).

Summary: I’m relieved - but hurting some days more than others. Especially if I hear from her - or rather I know she is using my cards - or removing me from WhatsApp - or in the town we spent years together. And I am worried about moving back to my city where we lived in- and that the emotions will be too much - and that she will have moved on easily and me not. Saying that puts a know my tummy. :)