Me (59m) married to my wife (55f) for 28 years. Two adult children, one daughter, one son. Our relationship has been incredibly good for much of that time with a very strong, loving, emotional bond and a healthy sex life, but often with disagreements and fallouts over trivial stuff. I think all of our issues stem from childhood trauma with me being anxiously attached and her being avoidant.

After yet another blowout last March she packed her stuff and left our home to go and live in a rented apartment with our daughter. Our daughter was already working where the apartment is located, so wasn’t taking ‘sides’. It sort of made sense. She said she needed space, which I understood as things needed to change. We agreed to be faithful to each other whilst we worked things out.

Three months passed where we didn’t see each other but kept in touch via calls and messages. I struggled with the separation and went from wanting divorce one day to accepting her wish to ‘live apart, together’ the next. Fast forward to the June and we started ‘dating’ again. Things were amazing. We were like a different couple. Open, honest communication and old triggers being dealt with quickly and maturely. I stayed at her apartment a couple of days a week and she stayed at our ‘home’ for a similar amount of time the following week. It was the best we had been in a very long time. Our sex life was fabulous and she was regularly leaving me loving handwritten notes and told me her ‘dream’ was for us to come back under the same roof eventually.

In the October, after a fantastic week away hiking, I started to crave a little more structure to things. Nothing major, just baby steps towards what she said she ultimately wanted. I suggested maybe locking in two or three days a week where we would stay together, rather than our meet ups being decided a few days earlier, by her, and only being on our days off from work commitments. I felt this would replicate ‘real life’ a little more with work, social and domestic stuff thrown into the mix. My thought process was that this would let us test the waters in relation to the self development work we had both been doing and see if any of our old triggers had been ‘fixed’. I explained that if we found any issues creeping back in we could revert to how we had been doing things instantly and ‘do more work’. No downsides.

She didn’t want to do it! Maybe I was expecting her to see things through the same emotional lens as me, which was probably unfair, but her unwillingness to be even the slightest bit flexible started to get me down. Our dates were still good and she said she wished we could find some middle ground, but wouldn’t really do or suggest anything to work towards that. I got very low mood wise every time we parted ways for around a month or so before I finally told her I couldn’t live in ‘limbo’ indefinitely and that I felt we should draw a line in the sand and get divorced. I didn’t really want that, but the way things were, and my frustrations at it all being on her terms, caused my emotions to come to the surface.

She did a complete ‘180’. She was instantly cold and could not see that my emotional upset was a result of loving her so much and wanting us to become stronger. I suggested couples counselling instead of divorce, which she rejected. I reached out a few more times over the Christmas & New Year period both via message and phone calls but got very negative responses. She told me she had nothing left to give to the relationship, that I was abusive and controlling and that she hadn’t realised how deeply rooted the problems in our relationship were.

I was devastated. She accepts no responsibility for her part in how we came to be at this place and sees everything as being my fault. She bears no resemblance to the woman she had been for the previous few months. I clung onto hope she would ‘come around’ but after a chance meet up four weeks ago it was clear she was unable to offer even the slightest glimmer of hope for us going forward.

I reflected on things for a few more days and decided I needed to reclaim my self respect. I filed for a no fault divorce online and she just accepted. I’m sad, but feel better. With hindsight I now wonder whether she ever had any intention of us coming back together and whether she was just wanting me to be her safety net whilst she got her new life all lined up. If so, she put on an amazing act! I also wonder whether she had someone else in her sights at some point and that is why she wouldn’t commit to more structure with us.

My head spins with it all and I hope I’m not being unfair to a woman who I love deeply and is most likely going through a difficult period in her life, being post menopause too, but I’m slowly coming to terms with the reality of it. The home is up for sale and I’m also dealing with very elderly parents who aren’t in good health, which is compounding things. I’m trying my absolute best to stop thinking about what I can’t control, and to focus on me. I’m training hard and am in the best shape of my life. I’m eating really well and doing my best to avoid numbing out with a few beers, which I know doesn’t help long term. We have to head out to Italy together for our son’s wedding next month which will be a challenge, but I know I can hold my head up high in that I’ve done all that I could to save us.

I’m not quite sure why I’m posting all of this. Probably akin to journaling and offloading somewhat. Thanks for reading guys.