She (33f), me (36m), we’ve been living apart for about a month and she told me she wanted a divorce 3 days ago (Thursday) and she filed for divorce yesterday (Saturday), we’ve been together for 19 years, almost 5 of which married (wedding anniversary in less than a week!), we got married right before we moved overseas, no kids.

I have always thought I was a “nice guy”, very dedicated, fully committed to her, loved her with my entire being, did everything with her in mind, everything FOR her, and so today I finished reading the “no more mr. nice guy” book, and it just hits so many spots, I am devastated, how can have I been so damn blind, unable to see, just going through these toxic motions, specially the DEER response, constantly, and lately almost every day to anything she said, I am ashamed, I am infuriated with myself, I’ve been hiding my own flaws, manipulating her, deceiving her, gaslighting her, and it makes me feel SICK.

I’ve had a very rough patch at work this past year, lots of work and lots of bad stuff, and I brought that home as well, moping and not caring, being passive-aggressive, being emotionally aggressive and dismissive. A few months back she started distancing herself, even hiding in the bathroom for hours (she claimed stomach difficulties), I thought she'd been having a lot of work and was very stressed out, and I was stressed out, so I arranged a bunch of trips for us, short vacations here and there, because that used to help her, us, me, but no longer, the last we went on was in September, we had fun, hit some pubs, I don’t know, I felt in love, and I want to believe that she was in love too.

Fast forward to a month ago, a few days before my birthday, she came back from a company trip which I didn't really wanted to go, or could go (2 days, 1 night), and I was working OT, it was Sunday, I was furious because of having to work, and she started asking a bunch of questions, I don't even remember about what, and I just wasn’t having it so I exploded and told her we needed some time apart, to which she replied that she had been thinking about that too, that me explode again, she had been acting “normal”, or at least fine every day (save the distancing which got increasingly worse), so I didn’t even think, I just reacted and asked her to leave that same day, I thought I needed to reconcile myself, protect myself because she was being a bitch and I was being the victim in the whole thing, after all, I was giving it my all for the relationship, right?

She told me I had been asphyxiating her, asking too much of her, and I understand, because I had been very VERY needy, wanting connection with her, at any level, expecting shows of affection, time together, expecting sex, expecting everything, sometimes I asked for these things, but she was not always willing, specially the sex part, our sex life had been in shambles for years, she didn’t always refuse, but most of the time during this past year or so it just became completely unsatisfying for both, even when climaxing.

So she left that same day, went to live with a work colleague with the intention of us being apart for about a month or 2, spent about a week there, managed to score a room somewhere else until 1st of Feb, our communication was very limited, and I was resentful, and I told her so, because I am such a gdamn nice guy.

That first week went by, I felt really sad, too sad if I am honest, we met, she changed the reason to be apart to “thinking about our relationship”, I felt bad, I knew divorce was coming because she had been very distant for quite a while now, it’s all her fault, right?

And then it’s when another blow came and I got destroyed, I got laid off because of office politics, a single dude with a lot of power, and bs from my manager, no real reason, couldn’t make sense of it, in fact half my team was laid off because of it, including my manager,
so I started spiraling heavily, had an anxiety attack, wanted to kill myself, grabbed a knife, cried, screamed like I have never done, and eventually put it down, I have NEVER felt SO SO incredibly sad and bad, I texted my stbxw for the therapist agency where she has therapy, she has been doing therapy for about 8 years now (online because we are foreigners living in a different country, and it’s just better to talk in your mother tongue), she eventually answered later that day, I reached out for a therapist, I was assigned one and had a session a few days later, not bad, not great, not giving up on it yet, after the anxiety attack I felt better for the rest of the week, thinking about her still hurt, but in a more “normal” way

Then another week went by, the reason for being apart then became “I am not sure about the way I love you”, I didn’t understand what that meant, and I still don’t. Up until this point, we didn’t have much contact but it was civil, just giving it time, really.

Then last week, she came home to pick up some stuff, and I asked her “do you love me?” right before she was leaving, I wanted selfish reassurance, I wanted her to tell me that everything was going to be alright, and she said yes, visibly conflicted, we hugged, and she left, but shortly afterwards she came back, completely irate, feeling offended and betrayed that I would doubt her, and we started arguing, because I was still trying to DEER me out of that one too, not my fault, it’s all you, eventually she left, because she was getting very angry, I apologized a few days later through text, and asked her to have a sincere conversation in person, whenever she was ready and receptive.

And then we come up to this week, on Monday, she texted to meet up Thursday, because she had some work stuff to deal with, and I have been somewhat lucky and been doing some interviews for 1 company, but I had an interview scheduled for Friday, although she didn’t know that at the time.

Thursday comes around, we talk, she tells me she loves me as a friend, a special friend, and that she wants to split up and divorce, she wants to be alone and make her own life, no cheating or anything of the sorts, which wasn’t really in doubt.

Because I am just such a nice guy, I started spiraling again, trying to hold on to her, making her feel bad, pressuring her, even though she said she wanted me in her life, as a special friend (not fwb or anything like that), but not as a husband, and I just didn’t understand, how somebody can go from “I love you a lot” in a voice memo on my phone just 2 years ago, following another one from 5 years ago, to “I love you as a friend”, how can this happen if I am the one who asked for space?,

I told her I couldn’t do that, I couldn’t be her friend because I would just kill myself, yes, again with the healthy talk. Eventually she told me she was not attracted to me, neither physically nor emotionally, and I it just blowed my mind, so attraction is love now? she loved me, is no longer attracted to me, so she doesn't love me as a husband anymore? what?, and yes, we both lost a lot of weight 3 years ago, about 50kg each of us, and I’ve put more than half that weight this past year and she hasn’t, also I stopped giving a crap about myself, I still showered and things like that, but I just didn’t really care much about anything, how I dressed, what I did, complete drone mode.

She wants to heal, to think about what she could’ve done better in the relationship, because she struggles with communication, has a lot of fears because of past traumas, etc. hence the therapy. And I am at a loss, she went from behaving “sexy” right in front of me the same week she left, or having a nice trip out just a couple months back to wanting to end everything, with no other possibility, when she left home I told her about doing couples therapy, which is something she brought up a few years back, and I didn’t dismiss it or anything, just left it up to her but we ended up not doing anything, but she just doesn’t want that now, she wants a divorce, a breakup, and to heal and to start her own life.

So I told her I needed space, which I didn’t even respect because we’ve been talking every day since, come Friday, the interview is an ABSOLUTE mess, I can’t get my head straight, I am mumbling and asking stupid questions, doubting things I know, it was a shitshow, so naturally I resent her for doing this to me, but then after going out for a walk and whatnot I just realized it was my own doing, because I could’ve said something, even though I didn’t know about the interview on Monday, I did on Wednesday, and Thursday, so I could’ve asked her to reschedule, even though I already knew what she wanted to say.

We met later that day, and she told me she feels like my mother, not a partner, which is something she has mentioned before, but she wasn’t able to provide any example or any recent occurence or anything, and I am no contact with my mother or brother for about 7 or 8 years now, and my dad is underground, she said it was just “a feeling” she has had for a while now,
I should probably say I worked from home, she goes to the office, and I took care of groceries, dishes, dishwasher, finances, fixing stuff etc., and we have a person to come clean up the place every now and then so we don’t have to, she only took care of washing her own clothes and that’s about it, and I did it any time she asked, I feel like she mistakes her needs with a “motherly feeling” because I don’t do what she wants, or something of the sorts, but it’s just probably some more issues on my side, I can’t help but feel like this is some deeply rooted feeling I caused at the beginning of our relationship when we were just kids.

She told me she wanted to keep contact, so I changed my mind and asked her to continue in contact for now, because I feel like if I don’t it’s going to be worse for me, at least for now that I am completely and utterly alone in this country (I am trying to look up something to do to change that now), and also because I selfishly want her to see me improve, and because I want answers.

She says feelings are not black and white, and that for me things are always black and white, but how else can I see this? this is black and white, we were together, in love, married and now you want to move out, and break off,
she loved me, that’s why she was with me, right? so if she says she still has deep feelings for me, why can’t we live in the gray for a little bit now that I am aware, now that nobody is holding my head underwater at work? I am willing to take steps back, go back to boyfriend and girlfriend, live separate, meet up from time to time, but seems like no, only "friend" or nothing at all.

I don’t have any friends (there is a female ex-colleague from this last place who told me she was my friend, but I have a hard time reconciling that too), I have always felt like people were using me and when they have no more use for me they drop me, it’s happened a few times, before we moved and after, people are good and nice to my face and then if I don’t pester them and go after them, I am left alone, permanently, after reading the nice guy book I am trying to challenge this core belief now but it’s very hard.

I have started taking steps, I want to believe that they are for me, but a feeling always lingers that I am doing it to win her back, I have cleaned up the closet of all my shit I’ve been using that I’ve never even really liked, I’ve rearranged some decorations to my taste now (because the entire house furniture and decoration was chosen by her), and I am going to go buy some nice clothes first chance I get, even though I am going to be spending money on something that will only last a few months, because I’ve been walking 10k steps and losing weight since I got fired, and started fasting recently, and I don’t intend to stop losing weight, I want to see me the way I saw myself when I lost weight, before that I never cared, now I do, and this also makes me feel conflicted because it’s money that I currently need, you know, since no job anymore, but I am going to buy at least something.

I feel sad, and EXTREMELY furious with myself for treating her this way and not even see it, recognize it or even acknowledge it before, and I want to be the person I know I want to be, the person I can be, for me, but every time I think this, I can’t help but think that I am doing it for her, even though I am 100% aware that it’s too late for that anyway, but hope kills me, and that is something I am having a hard time understanding as well, why can’t I get the opportunity to improve? she is not perfect, has never been, the beginning of our relationship was extremely difficult for me because of some of her issues, which she has now somewhat overcome, why don’t I get some time to reconstruct myself, from the ground up? does love not matter? is it either full attraction or nothing?, why does it have to end, completely, finally?  why not couples counseling anymore? I know I am being selfish, she feels this way now and that’s it and that’s all, but in a selfish way I think I cannot improve if I cannot have her by my side so she “taunts” my bad side, and so I don’t react in the way I used to, but that’s just not in the picture anymore.

Feeling like the world is against you, not having friends and just feeling betrayed by everybody sucks.

I know that improving myself is the only way forward, but I am completely torn with self-hate and the knowledge that I shouldn’t hate myself because I am human, and flawed, so I come here, to be vulnerable with internet strangers because I don’t have access to group therapy or anything of the sorts.