Just a rant. 27, married in March my wife just left me. Filing divorce papers this week. She found out that I had an opiate addiction last year I kept from her for fear she’d leave. I was so terribly addicted I’ve had to go to a hypnotherapist to help with the ptsd I have from it. I was also buying and selling them to an ex girlfriend who I knew had access. I would have honestly talked to anyone or done anything to get them. I was accused by this crazy still on drugs ex of also cheating with her. I didn’t but it’s not a far stretch. I was able to pull Snapchat records and show some of the big accusations were lies. She still attacked me, told me she was leaving, I was alone, she wasn’t coming back etc. so stupidly I downloaded hinge and started swiping of course she found out. She was already gone though. Anyways, no intimacy for over 2 years she wouldn’t even pretend to fucking be interested. Then when I would try to love on her she’d push me away tell me to get a hobby etc, she’s always been demeaning towards me. Used to make jokes how she could see me being gay etc, told me how a guy she used to mess with was cute. So she’d already pretty much picked me down to a weak insecure mess on the inside. Sex is important for me so the mix of being made fun of, advances pushed away and curtailed, then when we would have sex look up and she’s picking her split ends or staring at the wall. It’s a miracle I didn’t end up back on the drugs after I used suboxone to kick them. A lot to unpack. But I went into our marriage clean (still sold some stuff to the ex trying to make back some of the massive amount of money I spent). Anyways. She’s gone. She’s not coming back she wants nothing to do with me. I’m 27 I’m very muscular and in shape, make very good money. I have so many options. So many. And all I ever wanted was her from the day I met her. I don’t see myself starting a family with anyone else. She was an Angel. The peace she brought my soul will never be recreated. I’ve been with probably 40+ women in my life very few warranted so much as an after thought from me after they spent the night. I want nothing but her. I love her, I love her family, I love the woman she is. She’s so beyond incredible all the pain aside. I would have stayed with her getting shit on for the rest of my days if it meant I got to roll over in the morning and just smell her hair. The pain I feel in my soul right now isn’t even explainable. She was everything, my future, my heart, all I ever wanted in this life was her to be by my side and in her words. I chose drugs over her. I don’t know how I’ll ever survive this life without this woman. I truly felt as if God had given me my own personal Angel in her. All the hurt and insecurities of being with her are so irrelevant when I weigh them against how amazing she is and the love I have for her. Now she’s going to go find some other man. She’s drunkenly told me that she has some guy friend who she was going to marry at 30 or something if she wasn’t married by then. That’s stuck with me. Like I said, I really have all the options in the world when it comes to women. And I don’t even want to think About being with anyone other than her. Long incoherent rant. I just needed to drop this somewhere. I don’t know what to do with myself. It’s like the last little flame of wanting to live has been permanently extinguished, I feel no emotion for anything now. All I feel is this deep awful pain in my heart. I love her so much and to know that my actions have lost me the only thing I had worth living for is such a terrible thing.

I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to move forward. I don’t know how to find the strength to get out of bed and go into the world. I’m broken. The will to do anything with myself has left me. All I can think about is her as I lay in bed crying myself to sleep smelling one of her shirts knowing I’m never going to get to have her next to me and wake up and smell her again. I don’t want to wake up in the morning. Every morning is me waking up in a literal nightmare. I can’t even comprehend the state of my life right now. I’m sure no one’s going to read all this shit. But thanks for letting me vent.