For the past 2-3 years, I’ve had suspicions that my wife might be seeing other people. She’s been distancing herself from me, our intimacy has disappeared, and she constantly berates and challenges me over even the simplest decisions. She’s even told me that if we could afford it, she would divorce me and keep the house—but she can't do it on her own, and neither could I. Despite all of this, I love her deeply, and I’ve tried so hard to make things work, even though she continues to gaslight me and treat me this way.

Recently, I decided to snoop through her Apple Watch while she was in the shower. I found messages from a woman: “I miss you,” “I can’t wait to be with you again,” and “Being with you for just a short physical fix isn’t enough.” The messages went back and forth like this. I didn’t look too long, as I didn’t want to get caught, but what I did see was enough to break my heart. She’s been gaslighting me the whole time. When I asked her if she’d been seeing anyone else, she turned it around on me, calling me insecure.

She’s also been spending a lot of time with a friend group, going out every other weekend, or sometimes on Friday nights. We had a date night planned just for the two of us, but I was too sick to go. She said her friends wanted to go out and she wanted to join them, so I let her go. Despite my suspicions, I didn’t want to hold her back from spending time with her friends. But when I checked her watch afterward, I found messages like, “I’ll go in first to make sure no one we know is there,” and “It’ll be weird sitting in my parked car alone. I can’t wait to feel you touch me.”

This has shaken me to my core. I feel disgusted and sick just typing this out. We’ve been together for 10 years at the end of this month, have two kids, and share a mortgage. I realize now I’ve been purposefully blind to what’s been happening, and the pain is unbearable. I had to call out of work yesterday because I couldn’t handle it.

She has another girls' night this Saturday, and I’m not sure if the person she’s messaging is a man or a woman, though the name appears to be female. It could be a fake name.

She does not know that I know. What should I do?