Need preparation advice getting started

throwaway2500000 · 2019-11-07T18:57:05+00:00

Going through it right now. As men, and rational thinkers, many of us are good at self reflection and we do a lot to mitigate our individual vulnerabilities. I can tell you this - I’ve never felt more vulnerable, fearful, and possibly flat out afraid. These are feelings I’m unfamiliar with, so I’m not even sure if that’s completely accurate. All I know is I love my kid more than anything and the thought of that psycho bitch corrupting that innocent little mind, the way her mother has done to her, gives me all the emotions (e.g. rage, anger, sadness etc.). What’s worse? I did this to myself and knew better. So, I’m also feeling like a failure. Like I’ve been defeated. I’m exhausted.

Allow yourself to feel what’s happening. Like I said, I’ve been on the emotional roller coaster. But, I’m embracing the feelings and recognizing why I’m feeling a certain way. When I’m enraged, I’m thinking about how I busted my ass to provide for our family, while she watched tv and talked on the phone all day - then, have the fucking audacity to tell me that I wasn’t doing enough. That she needed help - with our 1 child. Thinking about the kid though - that’s when I get all choked up and teary-eyed. It was obvious to everyone at work that I was going through some shit. I told those I work closest with. Not sure if that was right or wrong but I feel better for it. I apologized in advance for looking like I’m about to cry all the time and for, maybe, being a dick. Point is, I told them I was going through this thing and I’m up and down emotionally and asked them to bear with me. And they understood.

Talk to a shrink/psychiatrist/therapist, yourself, whatever, talk to someone. Put your thoughts into words and sort it out. When you talk to your lawyer, they’re not therapists, you have to get to the point. You can tell them what a cunt she is but you should have the reasons why we’ll rehearsed beforehand. Ultimately, you need to get your feelings out, especially if you’re still living together. Keeping that shit it could lead to a potential eruption that could ruin you.

Not sure what you do for a living, but I sit on my ass all day (when not making gainz) and have the ability to do research. I interviewed 3 firms (2 paid/ 1 free), but before that, I did as much research I could, specific to my state. So, when I visited the lawyers I could have an intelligent conversation, gain mutual respect, and let them know they weren’t dealing with someone easily impressed or overwhelmed by their titles or jargon. Do some research first. Then you can kick around some ideas and ask questions specific to your situation. For me, this set the tone, but I didn’t walk in there with my dick swinging. I told them I was fucked in the head right now and I need someone to look out for me and the kid.

Get all of your finances gathered from the time you got married. Bank, retirement, whatever. If it has a balance, be it positive, or negative, pull that info.

Go to the fucking gym and eat right. This might be number 1. You can do your own research on these benefits. Drag your fucking ass to the gym, or wherever you need to go - every day - to get some exercise in. At the end of the day, if you don’t give a shit about yourself, how can you expect anyone else to give a shit about you. When this is all said and done, my stbx is gonna say to herself “I fucked up”.

Take care of yourself not only physically, but mentally, emotionally, financially, etc. Maybe reevaluate your spending and cut out what’s unnecessary. I don’t have a lot of money anyway, so I’ve had to do this out of necessity. It’s probably going to get expensive. Think about the role you played in getting to this point and own it. Hold yourself accountable, but don’t blame yourself. You did your part, s/he did her part.

There are some other things like, if you have kids, picturing what a day or week looks like without the mother around. All of the lawyers asked me about what I would do and I had it all mapped out (e.g. current school has an all day program, drop off at x o’clock, pick up at y o’clock). Documenting or journalizing events - helps keep track and sort. Listen to Cordell and Cordell podcast on the way to work or watch some YouTube videos. Ton of info there.

If you have kids - remember them. They’re innocent in all of this. It’s vital that you protect them as much as you can from all of the bullshit. Fuck her, think about the awesome dad you’re going to be. For me, I’m confident that ending a toxic marriage was the most beneficial outcome for my kids long term well being.

Don’t worry yourself about future relationships and the intricacies that go along with that. Don’t be codependent. Focus on you and the kid(s). Those are the main objectives. Manage those to the best of your ability. Master it. Everything else should fall into place. I’ve basically gone mgtow I might be done with women forever, and their narcissism.

FYI - I’m literally at the beginning of this. As in, filing today, or tomorrow, but this last month has felt like a fucking eternity. In another month, I might look back at this and think it’s shit. It looks good on paper tho. I’m doing better this week than I was last week and the week before that, so I’ll keep grinding.

Most, if not all, of the great advise I’ve gotten to this point has been from my brothers right here on this subreddit. You guys are the fucking best.

Best of luck!

millionmilecummins · 2019-11-07T17:41:01+00:00

Having experienced a divorce 15 years ago, you want to be at the lawyers office yesterday. This is the art of divorce war. You need to come out the blocks like Usain Bolt. When I announced my plan to divorce, I had seen my lawyer twice. I blew her mind! She had no idea. Her words “I’m stunned”. I hopped on the Kawasaki 1300, headed out for a ride smiling like a pig rolling in shit. If you do not foresee an amicable divorce, and there are very few of them, then please call a lawyer ASAP. Not any lawyer either. Find one that will stand behind you. This is the time when getting sleep is secondary. Find a lawyer man who’s got his own practice too and not someone who’s working for a glitzy law firm. In this me-too era all decks stacked against men. Find a man who’s got a proven record. Do not fall victim to jumping in the sack with her at this moment. It’s only a ploy to get you off track, harden your pecker, all the meanwhile her lawyer will be working to sever your balls. Too many men go into a divorce believing cupcake won’t do this or that. She will. My blessings on you get out in one piece.

warrior_up · 2019-11-07T19:53:40+00:00

That’s why we pay lawyers.

Point being, focus on you and keeping yourself/mind busy surrounded by positive people

I also wanted to know what to expect/plan/strategize at every corner - eventually that constant pressure and stress broke me. Eventually I realized that you can only worry about what’s in your control - visitation - finances - keeping it as amicable as possible essentially playing the game

Keep moving forward, at the end of the day what’s going to happen is going to happen and there ain’t much you can do for most of it. Just keep moving forward stay in the present, nothing you can change about your past no need on worrying about the future.

Radio silence is best when interacting with the ex. These woman get vindictive even when you don’t think they ever would. Quiet, calm cool collect go through your lawyer - about a year until it’s over and filed. Hang tough bro, be the cool one, take the high road don’t worry about the materials, TVs, furniture etc - it’ll all get replaced. Fight for time and close distance with the kids

4agreements · 2019-11-07T21:10:13+00:00

You’re getting some extreme advise here. Not all divorces are dealing with immaturity or such vindictiveness. Not all divorces go this way. Look up the state child support calculator so you’ll know what you’ll be paying. Courts want equally shared Custody, standard 50/50. You’ll pay spousal support for a period of time and that will factor into the amount of child support. Hopefully she will use this time to go to school. My state standard is one year support for each year she stayed home. States vary greatly on alimony

You will be paying for your attorney and if you go on blast and hire a crazy ass promise you the moon’ we’ll get that bitch-“attorney, you’ll force her to also hire a scorch the earth one. Reality is, attorneys already know how the law will go and neither attorney is really “fighting”.

Both Attorneys get paid to agitate and stir the shit. It’s a game to see how long a divorce can be in billable hours. A fair attorney will say whats unreasonable.

Everyone loses in divorce except attorneys.

Get a spreadsheet with all the assets and debt. Another for what the monthly living expenses are. Continue to pay the bills as you don’t need to tank your credit which will affect you for years, and years. Pay off debts as soon as you can. Once you have all the paperwork, pay stubs, tax returns for last 4 years, go see an attorney. He/she will advise you. Chances are, your wife is just as unhappy as you. Look into mediation if you both want out.

tigerteam6 · 2019-11-07T17:57:11+00:00

Fantastic advice! Next question is, who pays for her lawyer if she has no job? Will I be forced to pay due to the money being joint property? What is the best method to find a good lawyer, where should I look?

How long did you spend researching and talking to lawyers before you dropped the divorce news on her? How were you able to pay for lawyer fees without her knowing?

SkeptiCynical · 2019-11-07T20:13:52+00:00

Read the sidebar, it's all there.

Do NOT go in ready to concede anything. The cards are already stacked in her favor. Do NOT offer anything above and beyond what the court will require of you. DO fight for 100% custody, that's the only way you will end up with 50/50. DO start shuffling your assets out of shared accounts and separating your finances.

DON'T worry about the character assassinations, blame games, finger-pointing or threats of legal / CPS bullshit you're inevitably going to get hit with. 90%+ divorces are ended by settlement, the US is all no-fault, and nobody cares about what went on in your marriage, good or bad.

Do NOT offer to help her with anything. Do NOT use this time to worry about credit; typically, divorce is a time to "let the knife fall", so don't pay your cards if you don't want to. They'll get written off and go into collections, but it's unsecured debt. Unless you're $200k in credit card debt and you make $600k a year, nobody is actually taken to court.

NEVER talk to cops, NEVER talk to her or her lawyer about arrangements.

If you're in a one-party state, RECORD EVERYTHING YOU CAN to deflect those pesky accusations that you're abusive / you're an asshole / you threatened her.

You may have to interview lawyers, and you'll know you have the right one when you get the feeling he/she will do what is necessary: to file such a viciously one-sided separation agreement it brings your STBX to tears. File first and hit hard, concede nothing. The court will make sure your ex is taken care of, don't pussy out now and try to make it "easier" for her.

Debts depend on whether you're in a community property state. We'd need to know what state you're in; but regardless,

SEPARATION AND DIVORCE ARE CIVIL CONTRACTS. Everything is negotiable. If it weren't, there would exist a DIVORCE BUREAU that makes sure everyone gets what they are legally entitled to and nothing more.

That's why there are lawyers: to drag out the ambiguous parts while you believe they're fighting for you.

Read the sidebar. Hide your assets and file first.

Title	Need preparation advice getting started
Author	tigerteam6
Upvotes	8
Comments	10
Date	November 7, 2019 4:42 PM UTC (6 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/Divorce_Men
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/Divorce_Men/comments/dt0af8/need_preparation_advice_getting_started/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/Divorce_Men/need-preparation-advice-getting-started.819052 https://theredarchive.com/post/819052

Comments