It’s been a long time coming but finally ready to admit this is the end of the life I spent decades building. I feel like such a failure and to my own fault have no identity outside of husband and father.

I’m spending so much energy on trying to work on a failed marriage that it’s hurting my relationship with my kids (5m and 3f).

I just got out of the hospital for a nasty infection and I should be happy to still have my leg, but I mostly wish it turned septic, it would have been so much easier. I know that wouldn’t be fair and won’t take any stupid actions but it’s hard not to romanticize about the thought of not being here to deal with anything anymore.

I need to find a new place to live and get setup so that the kids can have a comfortable home. Stbxw wants to buy me out of our current home so I guess I’ll have enough for a sizable down payment. Trying to look at houses for something to be positive about but it’s just fucking depressing.