So i have done a pretty solid job of self-improvement, controlling the controllables, getting in a better state of mind and letting go since my stbxw started this process. Ya know, call me a narcissistic abuser, make me move out (dumb me now i see. DONT MOVE OUT), alienate me from my kids and friends… the usual routine! I am my all time best health and fitness, not drinking, doing a lot of good mental health practices…. All that. Its been 5 months in total from the beginning and for at least January and february i have genuinely not cared about her. It was so freeing. The last 2 weeks though im in an internal tailspin, hence my need to vent to ppl who get it.

The “care” meter is so high right now. I both really hate her a lot and for the first time in ages wish that we could undo this and go back to what i knew and a life we really both enjoyed for a long time. Im so frustrated and wondering why im again SO TRIGGERED by her. Ive seen how much impact this has had on our 4.5 and 1.5 yr old girls already and that crushes me…. She thinks its the best thing and has told friends she wanted a divorce for them. She is just nasty and has never taken an ounce of responsibility or blame and thats continuing—- everything that goes wrong in life still comes back to me. She criticizes and undermines me at every chance. She is a mess and can not keep dates, times, basic adult household chores and responsibilities in order yet expects the world of me. She has succeeded in playing the victim and getting our world on her side. I am distraught that i am now going to be poor. She has a successful business built on a lot of my free labor and always being with our kids. And then reconciling the fact that im looking at a person who was my team mate, loyal ride or die for 12 years —she looks the same but shes now my mortal enemy. I feel like she stole my life—- all the christmas mornings, all the beach and camping trips, sex, working together just a lifetime of unmade memories just stolen. And so i hate her or love her (they are brothers after all) and i just want to go back to not caring. Ty for allowing me to let it out.