My (40F) best friend (42M) is financially and emotionally suffering from his abusive ex (still married) and I am desperately seeking advice on how I can help him, if at all. (Insignificant details have been altered to protect privacy).

For the past 9 years, he has been the full-time parent for their two children while his ex has been busy growing a successful career that pays over six figures. This arrangement has been a delight for everyone, especially the children, as he is a natural caregiver and a phenomenal chef.

His ex has always insisted on handling one-hundred-percent of financial matters (you see where this is going), prohibiting him from engaging in financial decisions or freely accessing their accounts. Until recently, he believed she was doing what was best for both of them.

He and his ex fell out of love a few years ago (although, he is painfully realizing she was likely never in love) and while the marriage is over, neither he nor she has pursued divorce. His reasoning is that the legal process would be a needless waste of money; additionally, he avoids legal issues whenever possible for the stress they cause.

For the past three years, his ex has been living on the other side of the country and providing minimal financial support to him and the children. Like, Christmas gifts or school clothes and work-connected health insurance - that's it. In terms of co-parenting, she responds to his communications as if he were an unruly third child or a minimum-wage assistant. She seems to take every opportunity to make him feel foolish and unworthy. I see the damage accrue in his silent, worried face.

A year ago, he was seriously injured and lost his ~$40K/yr job and license. Subsequently, he couldn't afford rent, a car, or other necessities, meaning he couldn't afford to raise the children as before. She flew back and took one of the children away to live with her (the one that she birthed).....on his birthday. (The child was eager to join his mother, and despite how much it hurt my friend, he wanted his child to have autonomy). Ex did not provide any assistance, financial or otherwise, to help my friend or her step-child following this event.

Soon after, my friend arranged for the remaining child to live with a relative and he himself was evicted for nonpayment of rent (as anticipated by all). He currently resides on a friend's couch. He still cannot work due to his injury and loss of license (it was a medical revocation). His ex still does not provide assistance (financial or emotional) to him or her step-child. To his extreme credit, throughout it all, he maintains a positive attitude and speaks kindly about her.

The abuse gets worse: She dropped him from her health insurance policy sometime after the accident without telling him, leaving him in an unexpected healthcare conundrum as he navigates his physical recovery. Additionally, when she learned he was getting his food from food pantries, she ridiculed him and brought his parenting skills into question in front of their children.

Moreover, she attempts to sabotage any romantic relationships he attempts to build while simultaneously hiding her own romantic partnership (he only found out about this relationship when she revealed it in anger. He was surprised, but happy for her). She behaves very much like a child who doesn't want a toy anymore yet is jealous of it.

Unfortunately, long before his ex came into his life, he had been trained by his narcissistic parents to ignore and reject his own needs in favor of meeting the needs of those he loves (his assessment, not mine), and only recently realized that what looked like love in his marriage, wasn't. He reports that she is treating him as if he were a hired nanny who was fired once he was no longer useful. It sounds spot-on to me.

It is also painfully striking that his ex is "allowing" him (read: refraining from coercing him to her will) to choose not to pursue a divorce, considering that she seems to seek to control all other aspects of their lives. This seems to reveal that she stands to benefit more (or lose less) from remaining married than she does in their divorcing, and is willing to continue as such regardless of what it costs him.

He has suffered, is suffering, and will suffer under this abuse. I am committed to helping him end this pain and I believe a divorce is the logical solution, but I am only guessing. And even if this were the right solution, I have concerns that the divorce process will lead to further pain once he learns the true extent of her abuse, whether it be revelations of emotional sabotage or of absconded savings accounts. I am trying to reduce his pain, not exacerbate it.

He has a long road of physical, financial, and emotional recovery ahead, and I fear that inaction in terms of filing a divorce will result in continued emotional and financial consequences for him. While I have remained silent on the divorce matter out of respect for his autonomy, I am now deeply concerned that a gentle, loving human is suffering while I stand by and watch.

I have come to this subreddit with the hope that someone has twenty-twenty hindsight or other expertise resulting from their own journey. I gratefully and humbly welcome all input.