This gentlemen needs some support from us here

My ex and I had a rough go of our marriage for over 7 years. She was actively cheating, and I didn't respect her, or her family. I hated seeing them, and they hated me.

A few different times in the marriage, she brought up divorce, but I always begged her to stay. Then one day, after six years of off and on couple's therapy that changed nothing in her cheating behavior, or her communication skills, I realized I wasn't happy, and it wasn't getting better.

She had asked for a divorce from me for four years at this point, and I had always broken down and promised the world, and begged for her to stay, but this time, I said I was ready for a divorce. She agreed immediately that we weren't working. We talked for a few days about the kids, and the finances, and wrote up a document that we both signed and notarized.

The document said something to the effect of, "We are divorcing due to irreconcilable differences. We both will have our biological son 50%, and want no judgement of child support from or for one parent or another. We want no spousal support. He will claim the EIC on taxes on odd years, and she will claim it on even years. Property listed below is to be divided according tot he chart below." and we listed property from before the marriage, during, and who got what. We also emphatically agreed that we needed no lawyers, and could always work it out together.

Three months later, on our first court date (mediation), I met one of her ex boyfriends with her, who turned out to be her divorce attorney. She said she "needed to protect herself from me, and that our document was worthless (she was right, I guess)," and she could do what she wanted.

At mediation, I got first session with the mediator (separate rooms, on her lawyer's request) and outlined my confusion, as I had no demands, and I thought we agreed. After my time, the mediator went to confer with my ex. She came back an hour later, with a list of demands and statements.

All official and pre-typed, her lawyer listed my cars, including my daily driver, and a car I had bought six years before we met, when I was 20. Listed my retirement accounts, my bank accounts, my credit cards, and my astonishing lack of student loan debt. Then he listed her debts, her one car, and the household bills.

His list included a piece about how I will be "allowed to keep my pre-marital property, without dispute," if I agreed to: Split my retirement with her; agree to 49% custody so she can claim 51% and thus the EIC tax credit for our son; and not ask her to repay (as we had previously arranged) the two months of rent I had paid in advance. I was also asked to accept a continuance (if that's what it's called) so that our divorce would fall after the ten year mark, making her eligible to collect against my social security. Finally, his document outlined that the "equitable care" agreement we had before was no longer an option. She wanted me to pay her child support, since I was unreliable as a parent.

I was surprised, and incensed, to say the least. I had always paid all the bills. She had squandered her money at every turn. Spending important savings on trivial items, and putting us into foreclosure at one point. Equal care and custody, but she perpetually claims the EIC? I "get to keep" my car? I bought that car with my own money, when I was a kid. Take half of my retirement? Why? That's MY retirement! Every time she left jobs, she would cash out her retirement and piddle her money away on trivial items. I never got a piece of her money, but suddenly my money was "marital funds."

I conferred with an attorney friend, who knew her attorney, and said he was a dick who liked to profit of his adversary. My ex later told me he tried to convince her to let him take my car for himself as payment, and he'd discount his fees. My attorney friend suggested that I hire a divorce attorney, and pay them however I could. My only option was to borrow from my mother, which I couldn't bring myself to do, so I rationalized that I would be able to get a judge to see reason.

Nope.

I didn't realize, but the deck was already stacked in my ex's favor. See, she has a uterus, and in light of that fact, I was going to be expected to "do the right thing" whatever that meant. I left in December, and paid rent ahead through Feb. I paid to have her car fixed. Both of those items, she promised to pay back. In court, however, they were "before the divorce" and so marital funds.

I was living in my mother's basement, 35 miles from home and work, while I looked for a place of my own. At the divorce hearing, my living situation was referred to as though I had no ambition, or proper place for our son, despite there being a bedroom just for him upstairs. It was decided that the custody would be shared, along with parental rights and responsibilities. However, since I didn't have a place of my own (I don't know how that factored in), I would pay child support, despite our previous agreement to the contrary.

I objected, and asked how it made sense that our child would be with us 50/50, but I would pay her child support. I recall saying something like, "So, the court determines that the total support required for my son is $207 a week. We each have him for equal time, and we each make the same yearly salary, but I will pay her my half of $207 each week? How do I buy food and clothing? Why does 100% of support go to her, when he is with me for 50%, and she is also claiming the tax credit in perpetuity?" The answer I received was so useless, I don't even recall. It was similar to, "I don't write the laws, sir."

In the end, it went exactly as her lawyer first suggested.

I kept my car. She got to take half of my retirement. She got the EIC in perpetuity. She got to keep all the money I paid in rent, and on her car. Anything in the house when I left was considered hers (though she eventually caved and let me take most of my things). No spousal support was ordered, but only because in our state, "young" marriages of less than a certain number of years aren't TYPICALLY eligible for spousal support consideration. I was ordered to pay child support, and based on her lawyer's botched financial breakdown of her income, and my actual income, which worked out to a completely fraudulent 42/58 split between her/me. Her job paid her mileage, and she drove every day. She would get $400/bi-weekly in mileage, but that was left off her income.

Later, when I asked her why things went so differently from what we agreed to at first, she said, "My friends were convinced you were gonna screw me over. Besides, you left me alone, so I had to make sure you weren't leaving me high and dry." Me. The guy who paid all the bills, while she was cheating and I knew it, all while I was collecting unemployment and going to school full time. The guy who obsessed about being a father to our son. I never missed a doctor appointment, or school meeting, or school event, or sport event. Meanwhile, she had left the state to go on trips with her affair partner, sometimes for weeks. I was the one who was going to leave her high and dry.

No, this was simply her way of punishing me for leaving her. She hated that it was easy for me. She assumed I was cheating on her if I could move on from her so quickly. She couldn't understand that being cheated on for years, and ultimately told "I don't love you," had made it easy to move on. She had to extract payment for her perceived humiliation.

Now, I live in constant fear of retribution for the slightest act. I don't disagree with anything she asks of me. If she has a party, or a concert, or a wedding to go to, she sets it up so our son is with me and I gladly agree. If I ask for the same, I am "asking me to be your baby-sitter, which I'm not. Figure it out."

My lesson? If you are going into a divorce, especially with children involved, and you think you have it all worked out, or you can handle yourself, or you can't afford an attorney, remember me! I thought I had it sorted. I thought the lawyer was just a waste of money, and that if I could eloquently explain my position it would be enough. I was wrong. To some judges, a lawyer shows you care. No-lawyer dads come across as unconcerned. Arguments from no-lawyer dads are in laymen's terms, and not to be heeded.

Do yourself a favor. Take out a loan. Open a credit card. Borrow, borrow, borrow. Get a lawyer, and don't accept anything less than what you think is fair.