Hello,

The following is a pure opinion piece based on recent history and personal experiences. Your mileage may vary. This is not legal advice, this is personal reflection with the hope that someone will get some advantage from my experience.

I am the outlier. If you knew my story top to bottom, first you'd call me an idiot - which I was, but secondly, you wouldn't believe me. Until I let you read the final decree, that is. But, the bottom line is that after 35 months I finally got a divorce.

Maybe, in time, I will give some or all of my story to this group, but it is all far to fresh and there are possibilities that the legal battle is not completely over.

But, I found this sub, and several others, to be quite helpful in the early days of my divorce proceedings. I wanted to share a couple of things that, I believe, really helped me.

- The court and it's officials do not care about the drama around your divorce.

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Move it along. The court knows that your X is moving on. Or maybe it is you that is moving along. It's ok. The court doesn't care about your personal situation in many cases. That's why we are all here. Unless your X's new SO is doing something which puts your children into actual, danger, just let it go. I made the mistake of bringing up my kids food at the X's house, one time. Big oops. Made me look controlling and angry. There are better ways to deal with these types of issues. We can go into that later. The bottom line is: unless there is something occurring that puts someone in danger, let it go and deal with it in another format. In my experience, my lawyer told the GAL all the things the GAL needed to know. Very little of my input was passed to the GAL.

- Be on the offensive

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Even if you are listed as the defendant and most definitely if you are the plaintiff, get your homework done as quickly and returned to the court as possible. Even if it isnt possible, make the time. You are being judged by someone who does not know anything about you. Appearing 'on point' and having your head on straight goes a long way. As with the first point, to not look petty or vindictive, do not appear as though you have a reason to drag out the pleadings. Imagine, from the judge's perspective, each of your filings comes in on the last day or even late. Are you just lazy or do you have a motive for this? Either way, it is a bad look.

As an aside, there are definitely certain filings that you will make where it may be advantageous for you and your lawyer to file at the deadline. Let your lawyer make that call. You just make sure the requested information is turned in to your lawyer as quickly as possible.

Another point of being on the offensive is to use your knowledge of the situation to provide your lawyer with helpful information. Do you have a deposition upcoming? Can you get a list of the questions your lawyer wants to ask? If so, sit down with them and answer them for your spouse with some factual notes. Add some questions of your own, if you think they are helpful. But, the real help here, where my lawyer said they were really appreciative, was to provide the answers or the factual context around the questions. Remember, your lawyer doesn't know as much as you do about your STBX. For instance, if your lawyer is going to ask your STBX if they have ever been in trouble with the law or have a history of violence, been detained in a mental ward, etc., you should provide the dates and time periods, during the marriage, that you know about.

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- put your kids first

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This one should probably have been first on the list. If there are minor children involved this will be the court's number one priority. If you try to do anything, from either side of the divorce, that goes against what is best for your kids, including, but not limited to, financially restraining the parent with physical custody, the court will look down on you for this. You have to know your own principles, but, I found that understanding what the court wants to see from you in regards to the children goes a long way toward how the judge will see a reasonable stance from you in other subjects.

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- find someone to talk to

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Every time I walked out of court, every single time, I was in a pure rage. Look, it happens. Every one of us has our own intricacies about our divorce and the needles that come along with that. But, find that one (and I cant stress enough, keep your circle tight!) person who will invest with you. There is only one thing worse than having no one to talk to and that is talking to someone who doesn't care and doesn't want to hear it. Those are the people who won't keep your conversations confidential. I am fortunate that I have this person in my life and not everyone does. Make an effort to find a support group of some kind. It will go a long way to your mental health.

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