I’ve tried writing this about 6 times now. Each time I’ve restarted because I was trying to be concise about what is a messy situation with a lot of emotion and confusion. I guess part of me is looking for advice. Part of me just wants to scream into the internet abyss bc it’s more constructive than trying to reach out to her. My apologies to anyone who take the time to read it all bc I think I’ve pushed the limits of the rant tag into a tirade lol.

The TL;DR of this story is: I participated in unethical non monogamy. Realized the error of my ways too late. I’m left confused, hurt, and considering paying a “get my ex back” coach. Alittle bit curious if anyone has experience with them. Alittle bit curious if anyone has made amends from a situation as shitty as mine. Alittle bit curious on how to fill out this paperwork with no help, trying my best to minimize contact, and not trying to pay for a lawyer.

I (27M) married my highschool sweetheart (26 F) in March of last year. We can call my wife Ally. We had a destination ceremony scheduled for October of last year but we decided we’d get married legally secretly in front of immediate family so those too old to travel could participate and did so on our 10th anniversary. A couple months beforehand I met someone (Stacy) that caused a deep depression in me because I had an insatiable attraction to her and mentally I knew it wasn’t worth throwing my life with my best friend away, but emotionally I couldn’t get past it. About a month after the marriage began we started buying a house together and I asked for some space because I could hardly look at myself in the mirror knowing that a part of me was willing to risk everything for this other woman. After a few days my wife met up with me to tell me she knew. A month later the other woman asked me to meet up with her. Drunkenly, I did. Stacy expressed that she heard about my feelings from our co-worker who I slipped up in front of. I spent the entire conversation neither confirming or denying anything. I came home to Ally awake, crying. We talked about everything and continued the house buying process. A month after that we purchase our home (in need of much repair/rennovation) and start therapy I couldn’t stop lying because I was trying to stuff the feelings away because I wanted things to get better between the wife and I. She could tell and within 5 appointments she called it quits, moved out for a week, told me we were seperated. We ran into eachother when she came home to use the bathroom one night and we were desperate for a resolution where I no longer had to lie and we were able to remain in eachothers lives. I started seeing the other woman, my wife set the boundaries. 2 months in to this arrangement, my wife and I cross paths at one of our favorite bars. She leaves shortly after I arrive. I send a couple texts trying to get her to come back. No response. No big deal. She goes to sleep earlier than me. Some friends I hadn’t seen in a while showed up and we are having a bit too much fun. I come home to an empty house at 3AM. I call to make sure she’s okay. She’s with another man. Had I been sober I would’ve worked through it. Had I been given space I would’ve worked through it. This might’ve been a good wake up call. It should’ve been. I went to a safe space alone. She appears there with the people I had just finished drinking with. They convince me to come with them. I do but as soon as I get to the house with all these people, all this pain, all this inebriation, I realize I was in a dangerous headspace and getting back to where I had just been picked up from became my main priority. My wife begins physically restraining me and not allowing me to exit the situation. Blocking me in rooms. Chasing me into any room I go into. Shoving me and trying to wrap herself around me. It was so bad the dog bit her. In the process of trying to get away I tried to pick her up and move her and gripped too hard as well as I slammed a door as she stuck her leg in it. The next day, she’s gone. She’s called family to stay with me. She spends a month dating someone else, telling me she hates me, wants nothing to do with me. After about a month of this she tells me not to talk to her for 2 weeks and she will either show up with divorce papers or she won’t. 4 days in I send a short text about a football game I knew she was invested in. She calls me and screams at me for 3 hours while I’m on a home from visiting my mother. At the end of my drive I’m exhausted, mentally, physically, emotionally. I hang up and begin ignoring calls. I call Stacy and feel instant relief. 30 minutes into my phone call Ally shows up at the house and tells me “hang up the phone. I’m ready to work on this.” I hang up the phone and I say “I can’t do this anymore. I understand not wanting to live at your parents any more. You can move home, we can finish rennovations, we can sign the paperwork and sell the house.” We spend the next 6 months seperated. 3 months spent sleeping in the same bed half the week because there was no other bedroom not under construction. (I guess at this point I should clarify, at no point through out any of this have we ceased having sex even during the I hate you month we were intimate a time or two on nights she would bring our dog by for me to visit him.) ANYWAYS the 3 months after another bedroom was finished and accessible we were still choosing to sleep together most nights I was home. The entire time since she returned to the house she was doing several things to show me her value: coffee every morning, sweet notes, cooking dinner every night I was home, helpfulness with rennovations. Things I chalked up to “we are business partners this helps the business run smoothly.” Around our anniversary my heart started to change, unbeknownst to me. I started feeling not only guilt for the nights I would leave but also straight up stupidity. Through out the following months I started reducing my time away from home, started working on the house more, started going on dates with my wife, voluntarily showing up to family gatherings that were mentioned in passing. In early July I realized it was time to cut out the extra marital activities completely because I wanted my best friend in my life forever. I expressed this and didn’t leave the house again for nearly a week. After a get together one night Stacy calls me because she wants to talk. With everything in me wishing Ally would tell me to stop, she didn’t. I went to the conversation with Stacy and after I showed that my interest lied elsewhere she said “take the weekend to think about it but tonight you should stay. It’s late and if we do end this an evening of sex would be a good send off” I stayed the night. The next day Ally calls because it’s her last day at her current job and she’s upset I’m not present to support her. I tell her that although I planned to leave town for a weekend with my mother I am going to stay home an extra night before leaving because I want to be there for her with the energy of the phone call I came home in a less than supportive capacity but still I was there. I leave for a night instead of two because I missed her so much and our phone call before bed the night I stayed at my moms was something so delightful I couldn’t help but to be excited for the new chaoter of our lives. I come home Saturday night and we hang out. Sunday I hang out with her for a bit, then she visited me while I had met up with some friends where she informed she wanted to talk the next day. The next day we have a lovely time on the drive to the cook out. Half the family camping 20 minutes aways asks us to go back to the campsite for card games and bonfire. On the drive from the cook out to the campsite I ask about the conversation. She tells me she’s ready for a divorce and 100% at peace with her decision. Then proceeds to pretend nothing happened and plays cards with the cousins and agrees to go to the oldest’s graduation trip next summer. I’m heart broken. On the drive home I try reasoning she replies “if I was Stacy you’d just want to enjoy this last drive and take me home and fuck me.” So that’s what I did. The following week, we continue sleeping in the same bed, she continues coming on to me, stops inviting me out on quick errands, quits communicating to me regularly, and acting like doing so is a burden apologizes for not helping work on the remaining renovations while also not making time to do so, telling me things like “we need to go back to the foundation to work on this” while also telling me things like “there’s so many reasons this can’t work.” And “you should go get Stacy pregnant” I finally sternly told her she needed to stay elsewhere at least for a few days. That was a month ago. Since then she’s only been by to pick things up. We’ve shared a few hugs, even flirted alittle. She knows I have a plan to keep the house and a plan to be moving out of state for work in a few months. She doesn’t believe that I’m gonna follow through with these plans and I feel like doing so will be the only way I can gain a shred of trust. I keep being hopeful at the positive things she said after telling me her decision but then Sunday I started getting threatening messages from her step father about “why I think it’s okay to get physical with his daughter.l and she has begun pulling out of the driveway if she sees my car there. I’m lost. I know I still love her. I know she still has love for me. I feel like time and growth can repair this but sometimes things feel so bleak. I’m afraid I should’ve taken her fucked up definition of friendship on the chin and waited for things to turn around. Looking at all this paperwork is overwhelming. Trying to get my finances in order, make sure I’m able to pay for a house outside of my budget when I have few friends and am not trying to get myself more entangle with Stacy by inviting her to move in, get myself to work every day, keep my car running, continue working in the house, and take time to myself is fucking exhausting. I keep trying to find things to be angry about and I can’t hold onto them. I keep trying to play it cool if we see eachother but nearly instantly I crumble. Someone told me it was time to figure out what makes me tick. And I realized that even with all my interests, she’s what helped me dive in. Having her by side and impressing her was what gave me an ego it what kept me striving for excellence. I just wanted to keep impressing her. Has anyone used a “get your ex back” coach like Benny Walner?