a cry for help at a crossroads

cry for help at a crossroads

8/2/23

i’m perplexed at the question of how to start this. my life has been so filled with so much feeling, and dread, coupled with experiences of mysterious excitement and euphoria. it’s all left me so confused. a huge portion of my experience of life is due to a trait which i possess that i don’t even really know how to accurately describe. for purposes within this text, i’ll start with using the term “masochistic and empathetic” to refer to the quality. for anyone puzzled by the term, masochistic refers to the quality of enjoying pain. hopefully it’s obvious to that “pain” here refers to more types of pain than only physical, such as getting slapped in the face.. a masochist can enjoy mental anguish as well. and my experiences of mental anguish have been filled with so much overwhelming torment, whilst somehow at times simultaneously filled with tremendous ecstasy. this experience is something that has turned my life upside down, and has somehow led me to a point where i am considering embracing and partaking in a life of pain and servitude. i am not at a point where i’ve completely decided on which life path i’ll be taking, and the considerations of many options have been taking place in my mind. however, as time passes, the path i will be walking has began to seem more and more inevitable, and it certainly doesn’t seem to be anything approximating the path towards becoming a playboy. this is all being said to bring me to an important point.. i’m confused, i’m lost. and feel so alone. i can’t talk to most about these feelings with most. that is how i’ve found myself here, desperately hoping that this message will reach people who might find my situation interesting, and care, and might be able to interact and work towards some solutions. as i’m writing this, i fear that my writing capabilities may be too inadequate to fully and accurately communicate the feelings and experiences i’ve had. i’m horrified that i’ll never be able to get through to anyone, as these feelings and experiences of mine seem so complex. the task of describing them seems so daunting to me. i’m scared to even try. i feel so alone.. i’m scared, i’m a 19 year old “man” and i feel like a scared child. i’m feeling so much right now, i feel so inferior, and inadequate.. those feelings characterize a response of mine to so many things in life.. even attempting to speak leaves me with thoughts of “you can’t even speak effectively”. alas, i am going to do my very best to find the courage to try. i hope that this will lead to a better future.

women are so beautiful to me. i appreciate them in a way that i think is different from most men. i’ve interacted with other men and lots of them have similar thoughts towards women, which seem to be something like “walking bags of skin with a big ass and big tits can make for a good fuck when i’m in the mood.” for a lot of men, this seems to be the extent to which they think about and appreciate women. their way of thinking has always puzzled me.. as i cannot relate to it very much at all. it has made me feel like quite the enigma walking through life not being able to relate with almost any of my male peers regarding our thoughts and feelings towards the opposite sex.

i’d imagine myself in their ideal situation.. i’d imagine i was the perfect ideal man, in a room filled with gorgeous conventionally attractive ten out of tens who were eagerly willing to let me do anything i wanted to them, that is to say they were eager to get me to have sex with them in any position i wanted, to physically handle them in any manner i pleased, etcetera.. and this certainly would not evoke the response within myself which seemed to be evoked within my peers. this scenario, or scenarios akin to this, has always seemed to be a huge desire amongst my male counterparts, and it certainly still seems to be that way.. but not for me. my appreciation for women has always gone far beyond appreciating the experience of penetrating their holes and exerting my dominance over them. for me, it has never been that way.

i am very daunted by the task of articulating what my feelings have always been towards women.. as they seem so difficult to grasp. understanding them myself is already a huge struggle, explaining them to others seems like it would be even harder. i’ll begin by describing what my response would be to the scenario described above. the scenario in question is me being in a room with multiple beautiful women eager to allow me to have sex with them.. what is my response to imagining this? it certainly isn’t repulsion, i’m not turned off by the thought of it. it just doesn’t fill me with the joy and satisfaction it seems to fill my peers with. would i want to have sex with them? possibly, or maybe even probably.. however my mind would naturally and quickly generate thoughts of those beyond the desire to just fuck them. thoughts such as:

“are they comfortable with this?”

“do they also want to do this?”

if any of the women were uncomfortable, or were not enjoying what was happening, this would significantly decrease the enjoyment i could experience from the scenario. with most men however, i don’t know if i can say the same. from so many men, i have witnessed such a clear display of apathy towards anything beyond ensuring they are receiving what they want from women, it doesn’t seem like they care at all about what the women want. even if they do care to some level about the experiences of the women who they sexually interact with, which already seems questionable and unlikely to me, the degree of care certainly doesn’t seem to be any where near the degree which i have always experienced.

part of me is grateful for that, and another part of me wonders what it’s like to be part of the majority when it comes to this. at times, i often feel like my altered feelings towards women is part of what makes me inferior. however, there are also times where i feel like the views towards women possessed by my peers are quite primitive and display a lack in capacity for thought. honestly though, it is more often the former which is felt by me than the latter. i look at men that women find attractive, and they are almost always characterized by the same exclusively selfish desires which i described earlier. this leads me to think things like, “given that women find these types of men attractive.. if i were more like these men mentally, i would be more desirable”, which certainly is not a flaw in logic. having established this distinction between me and the more desirable, it’s important to note that this is only one of the many traits of mine which seem to make me less sexually attractive than other people. what has been described previously does not nearly fully describe my interactions with / feelings towards women and where they differ from those of other men. however i do think describing this particular distinction has succeeded in beginning to communicate my experience.

(i will send the rest of the text separately, or they are posted on my profile)