Hello, first post here.

I was never redpill but I have few problematic beliefs/ attitudes that I'm trying to unlearn.

Something I've been tackling the last few days is the fact I'm VERY bothered by the fact that I'm not conventionally attractive and will never be a popular option among women.

I've had a relationship and a couple of flings in the past, so I know I can attract a few women, but I've always struggled with dating and socializing in general. I'm way better nowadays and can succeed in social situations way better than when younger.

However, I'm pretty weird. I'm pretty sure I'm neurodivergent. I'm also quite goofy, the type of person that will do corny jokes and random dances just for the hell of it. I believe I'm not annoying or inappropriate tho, as people usually respond well to me goofing around.

I'm also very homebody, I barely ever go out or feel like socializing much, I don't enjoy talking to strangers and only do so as a means to making a new friend or when necessary. I'm not passionate at all, I'm very laid back and not very ambitious. I work but have no grand plans for my career, just getting a decent enough paycheck to get by is enough for me.

I can be kind of boring too, despite being considered funny. My conversation skills aren't all that great, so I struggle to have very engaging conversations apart from a few niche topics that I'm really interested in.

As for physically, I'm short and currently fat, have yellow teeth and bad hair. Can't grow a proper beard. Despite this I wouldn't consider myself ugly but definetly below average.

Having said all that, it's clear I'm never going to be popular with women. Specially those considered more attractive. Problem is, I actually like being how I am and don't really see it as a problem, I can get by well enough.

But contradictory, I have a very big desire to be seen as attractive and to have a decent number of sexual experiences, at least in my youth. I resent that I'm the opposite of what people value and feel attracted to, that other dudes who are handsome, tall, passionate, hard workers etc are so much more desired. I know I shouldn't, but I still feel very bad about myself knowing I'll never measure up to those guys, that I'll never be able to have the acceptance and the experience they have, or be able to attract conventionally attractive people once in a while. I know, I'm a douche, and I want to unlearn all of this.

Since I know I'm wrong for feeling this way and am actually okay with being myself, what I want to tackle is this need to be desired and compete. I want to let go of that desire, so I can accept myself and improve. I want to do better. I want to be okay knowing I'll never have the dating lives and experiences of other, better people, and not feel as low as the ground for it.

Can anyone help me?