Hey all. I'm a 20 yo from South of India.

A bit of backstory, 2000-2013 I've never had problems having female friends. In fact, my closest friends until grade 8 were girls. At 8th grade a girl falsely accused me of harrassment and I had to shift schools because of that. I lost my captaincy position, my academics, my friends, respect from parents and teachers, you name it. It fucked up with my head and I literally hated women to the core and didn't make ANY female friend for 7 years now. Well actually, I have female friends but all of them are classmates to whom I only talk on instagram. I don't even pay attention to them when in class.

2013-Present So, the thing is, guys I've had girls crush on me, the good-looking ones too. But, since the 8th grade incident, whenever a girl shows interest, I immediately resent and start hating her. People almost always compliment my face and body, but I think they will laugh about it behind my back because even though I'm athletic when I look in the mirror, I want to punch myself in the face and I feel only disgust when I look at myself. And honestly, I've had the thoughts of killing myself a million times, I hate myself to the point where if I see myself on the road, I'll kill that bastard on the spot. Whenever a person compliments me, I assume it's because they want something from me and it's not genuine. I believe it with all my heart. I truly despise myself and sometimes, I just look in the mirror and scold myself for being born this way. How the fuck should I believe people when they say I'm good looking? How do I know if they're genuine? People have fucked me over pretty brutally, which made me lose ALL empathy and compassion for humans. This led to even more issues. Whenever I'm in public and a group of girls are laughing I'm almost certain they're laughing at me and immediately suicidal thoughts come in. It's like, I feel girls are never going to see me as a human being worthy of respect no matter what. Two of my class's hottest chicks repeatedly touched my arms and asked me to flex them at 12th grade, I did and I felt like they were going to take some advantage/fuck me over at some point and I stopped interacting with them altogether. (Walking away when they're coming in my direction, giving one word replies, etc.)

After school though, I realised my own toxic behaviour and started to be more mindful of what i think about women, etc. until a friend's girlfriend cheats on him with multiple guys and goes on a "cock carousel" while being in a relationship. I felt nothing but rage and anger with that girl and started seeing similar incidents all over my friend's circles. Girl cheating with her best friend, waking up one day and saying I don't love you anymore, playing him in front of friends, girlfriend talking shit behind boyfriend's back, talking about the guy's vulnerabilities to her friends,etc. I'm convinced that women don't give a shit about their boyfriends and only date to use them for money, sex and social status and that women CANNOT fall in love with a man. All this made me discover TRP and it felt like heaven at the moment. I went full redpill and started becoming depressed, nihilistic and angry. By angry I mean, whenever I see a beautiful girl happy, I felt like punching her in the face.

Moreover, I think all my trust issues with women stem from the my family. Believe me on this, my family has some reallllly toxic women starting from my own mother. She's hyper emotional, manipulative, can't keep a secret, etc. And my aunts and sisters are like this too. Whenever I see a happy couple I almost laugh thinking about how the guy is so innocent to trust this girl and how she's going to ruin his life and happily move on. But mind you, I was never a person to slut Shame a girl. I always believed in freedom of choices but after discovering TRP I subconsciously label a girl a "worthless slut" and see them nothing more than sex objects. Whenever I see a beautiful girl I think about all the ways how she would've destroyed many guys lives, how she's manipulative and cunning, why she doesn't deserve respect, etc.

Now, I want to change guys. I'm bored of being a lonely guy. I went to a private 15 day meditation retreat in China and it helped me identify the BS thoughts that arise due to my experiences, I can see why and how they arise but I can't change my beliefs. I actually cried on day 7 and day 8 because of my repressed anger and hatred towards women. Those 2 days, I felt free and light. I crave intimacy and a person to share my life with (it's boring but still). Are women worth getting my guard down? Are women worth being vulnerable to? Are women worth the time? And, am I too late to start dating? I mean, the women my age already have 4+ sexual partners and at least 2 LTRs. Am I doomed? Please help. And no this is not a troll post.