I recently got my first haircut inabout 7 months because of the pandemic. I was so excited, because my hairloss from before had stopped, and my hair was in a much better place. I overall was in a much better place. Before covid hit, I was in the worst place of my life. I had gotten friendzoned very badly (not blaming anyone, just happened), was dealing with hairloss, acne, and overall being in a new high school in a new state. My life was at an extreme low. To cope with this, I dabbled in the redpill/blackpill ideology. I wasn’t as extreme as most people here, but it did effect my views on humans in a very negative way, I’m ashamed to say.

Over the pandemic, my life has gotten a lot better. I’ve started reading again, watching stuff from my youth, journaling, exercising, playing guitar, and being happier. I’m not perfect, but I was in a much better place now. All the toxic redpill stuff was thrown by the wayside, as I considered it obsolete and false when your living a good life.

So I come back from the barber, and look in the mirror, and I just hate it, and everything about me. I hate my hair, my big forehead, my teeth, my nose, my face, my eyes my cheekbones, my ethnic features, everything. I start to remember all the negative experiences I’ve had in my life. I start remembering the times I would talk to a girl who I had a crush on, and she would push me to the side to watch an attractive guy walk by. I started remembering being alone, constantly changing schools like I had, making friends and moving away. I remembered all those days of being ostracized for being too brown amongst non brown people, only to then be labeled “white” by my extended family, because of how I talk.

It feels like all this work I did, was all for nothing. I’m still the same, weakling guy who’s been walked over all his life. And it feels like that’s all I’m gonna be. And worst of all, all that redpill stuff is coming back. Maybe I’m destined to just be a has been.

I thought I’d tell you guys this because there are a lot of good people on this subreddit.