Why are Many Men Not Close with Their Fathers?

PutsWomenOnPedestal · 2022-08-03T22:19:04+00:00

My father is a good decent man, but he belongs to a generation of men who believe raising children is "women's work". So, although he took good care of us financially and made sure we lacked for nothing, he never spent any time with his boys. Never took an interest in us.

RonSwanson2-0 · 2022-08-03T18:50:08+00:00

This is just going to be my anecdotal experience. I grew up fairly poor and my father worked Monday - Saturday from sun up to sun down. Sunday was for church. He did this so my mom could stay at home to take care of the house and kids. He did the most he could to be active with my brother and I when he had time but there wasn't much of that. We have a good relationship but for him providing was the main goal of a father. He gave me what I needed as a child and sent me out into the world prepared and I will forever be thankful for that. I don't see the need to call him unless I need advice or want to check on how he is doing. Not sure what else is needed outside of that dynamic.

Copperstoner · 2022-08-03T20:49:15+00:00

My father and also my mother worked most of the time. My father was even more extrem as there was always too less money and so he had to work overtime so that every loan was paid on time. On top of that it turned out that our personality was not a good match and so we had a few fights. Ironically I'm now noticing that we have very much in common in regards to our personality, just with a different twist to it. We both are hyperactive, tend to hyperfocus, tend to strive for power, are quite stoic and often indifferent, "rules are meant to be broken", tend to do three things at once, helpful to a fault, desperatly want to try and do new things. We both have a tedency for manipulation, tend to have no feeling for time at all, leave a mess behind, etc.

A additional factor was that I was always "a child" at home so even, when I got older I was basically told that I need to do this or that, which added another strain to the connection.

I now understand him way better, because we are very much alike and many things make sense now. The time he sacrificed to build up a home and the love he was only really able to show us with caring for us through financial means and this also only barely.

After I moved out it got much better, but as we are having different lifes and very few connections it's hard to build on this. I moved to a big city, while he is on the countryside and he very much wants to stay there. I work in IT and he works in the trades.

I still try this, just like with my mother, but it's kind of hard. They still have the farm, which takes a lot of time. So everytime I visit my parents I mainly see my mother and if I see my father, I basically only see him at the evening completly tired from a days work.

Main points:

He was working most of the time and therefore he never really had the time
We had a few fights
I'm doing something completly different, than him and therefore a connection is hard to reestablish

TreyTrey23 · 2022-08-04T01:22:01+00:00

I can only speak for myself. My parents divorced when I was young, when I was five or six years old. I still remember the story as to how my mom found out. She's putting me in my jacket getting me ready to drive me off at daycare before she headed to class to take her exam, when my dad popped in the room and was like "just so you know I went to go file papers for divorce", then left like it was no big deal. My mom responded with a simple okay but then proceeded to cry all throughout the trip to drop me off at daycare and then on her way to class.

My dad was also in the Navy so for long periods of time growing up, he would be away at sea and I would really hear from him except for the occasional phone call to either check on me or to correct me when I did something bad. Eventually after I turned 8, I would start staying with him during breaks in school. But even while there he would always be away at work. He would assign me all these chores I had to do before he got back. He'd make dinner then retreat into his room not wanting to be disturbed. Sure he did eventually take me to an occasional movie or game of mini golf or take me down south to visit my family in Mississippi, I never really got the feeling that he was doing it because he actually wanted to spend time with me. If anything, it felt like he was doing it purely out of obligation.

My mom could tell that I had some sort of anger and resentment. She tried to bring us together to talk about it when I was in high school. Sure he did apologize for his past actions but eventually I would learn that nothing would change.

Then when I was 20, I basically got kicked out of my mom's house as the area nearby was getting too dangerous in her eyes and was forced to live with him. Shortly after I started living with him, he retired from the Navy. You think this would be the perfect opportunity for us to start bonding right? Well around this time he started dating his now fiance and just like that I was back to being non-existent in his eyes until I fucked up again or did something meaningful. Nothing against her though, she seems nice.

Since then I moved out on my own and I haven't really spoken to him since. I just don't feel the need to speak to somebody who for so long has never made me feel like I was a priority in his eyes. Who only ever acknowledged me when I did something wrong. My mom always tries to get me to reconsider. I may do that in the future, but not now.

Carloverguy20 · 2022-08-04T01:25:43+00:00

Certain cultures are like this, especially in some non-western cultures. Emotionally distant fathers are a big thing, the father is typically the breadwinner and is working a full-time career and usually leaves the wife to raise the children.

My father was like this for majority of the time, I was mostly raised by my mother and spent most of my time around women.

At times I get surprised to see fathers bonding with their sons, and I was surprised that it was a thing, because my dad mostly worked and spent time to himself.

At times I do wish I had a strong male influence in my life, because it was lonely being the only boy majority of the time.

Pomeranian111 · 2022-08-03T18:56:31+00:00

I never met mine, but I heard horror stories about him being a crazed man who couldn't get his addictions under control and tried to kill me as a baby. The story teller is known for being a liar though, so not sure if they're true because she was very crazy herself and had her own addiction issues. If he truly was that bad, then being raised without him was probably a good idea.

Stellar_Panda · 2022-08-04T02:12:23+00:00

He was always away working flying airplanes. Add the fact that he is bipolar -hot head and went through a long nasty divorce when I was like 10. Not much bonding time after that.. It's a shame. He went all migtow and is a trumpy so not much in common. Talk on phone maybe one a week. I'm 20.

So basically: • work • divorce • different interests

PapaSanjay · 2022-08-04T02:55:32+00:00

Poor experiences with parental masculinity.

Whether it be fathers literally Fucking off. Or most abuse us mentally or physically.

-Faoladh- · 2022-08-04T16:13:29+00:00

Men don’t want to do emotional labour. The amount of men who tell me ‘I don’t want to have to think about x’ is ridiculous, whether that’s what they say, how they treat others, how they treat sexual partners and the impact of their actions and presence or lack thereof on their kids. It’s just too hard. So women have to do it all then complain that women are too emotional all the time.

That said I am aware of the societal pressure on men to appear masculine and for some reason that means not giving a flying fuck about anyone or anything. Even your own emotional pain. Men should be allowed to feel and express their emotions more openly so it isn’t all bottled up until it comes out as a violent outburst or a snap decision. The more a man is allowed to understand his own psyche then he can better reflect on the example he sets for his sons or be better in tune with their mental well-being and be there for the sorts of things they might not necessarily feel comfortable going to mom about

yvng_ninja · 2022-08-05T03:32:24+00:00

As an asian, y'all heard about the typical strict asian parent archetype. My parents were emotionally absent and abusive. Didn't help that they had to work late hours.

Rook_Cross · 2022-08-08T19:46:57+00:00

I've never seen any stats on how many RP men come from divorced childhood households. but from what I've seen from kids of divorce in general., there's a disconnect because they weren't there often, or at all, moved on. There's anger at the parents, Dad, or Mom, for not staying together, so they keep their distance from their parents, or if the parent tries to "make up for it", well, when you're being aggressive towards someone you can't really get close to them emotionally. I think problems with parents are a part of this but not the biggest. I think the West is coming apart for a variety of reasons and it's bringing out the worst in people. I think the decline or religion and the rise of narcissism are the biggest factors. I would also point out that plenty of men not close to their fathers are good men, most in fact. So, it's no excuse, should someone use it as one, though it may work as an explanation.

Title	Why are Many Men Not Close with Their Fathers?
Author	Entitled-apple1484
Upvotes	12
Comments	19
Date	August 3, 2022 5:43 PM UTC (4 years ago)
Subreddit	Posted in /r/ExRedPill
Original Link	https://old.reddit.com/r/exredpill/comments/wfczo4/why_are_many_men_not_close_with_their_fathers/
Archive Link	https://theredarchive.com/r/ExRedPill/why-are-many-men-not-close-with-their-fathers.1126398 https://theredarchive.com/post/1126398

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