Hi, so let me start by saying that I’ve never considered my self to red pill or mgtow or anything else related to those ideals. Ultimately I’ve thought of my self as a feminist, at least in terms of agreeing with the basics of feminism. So I’m not quite sure where to begin so I’ll just jump in. I come from a pretty dysfunctional family where there was a lot of abuse, neglect, and just all around crazy things happening around me. A lot of my childhood experiences effected the way I see people and the amount of trust or love I allow myself to feel. My dad was pretty misogynistic and my step dad wasn’t perfect either so from a young age I was exposed to a lot unhealthy ideas about women and society. I also was pretty close to my sisters and Mom though so I never bought into it too much but I can recognize that the pervasiveness of misogyny in our culture coupled with my own experiences have effected me to a degree. The main issue I’m feeling is that I do have a hard time feeling like I could trust someone in a relationship. Partly because I’ve bought in somewhat to the rhetoric I’ve often heard of how women cheat or are deceptive and yadda yadda. I’ve also not seen many, what I would consider healthy relationships, in my life. A big part of it though is my own self worth and confidence though, I think I internalize these things much more than project them onto a whole group of other people. So I’ve done pretty well at avoiding intimacy and sex so far in life and much to my detriment because these are things I want. Part of it is the experience of my childhood and the coping mechanism I’ve developed which don’t serve me anymore, part of that coping is me isolating myself and trying to be independent. Another big part though is my insecurity over my body image. All the basic male ones, I’m skinny for one, which I can change so that one isn’t to pressing but has been the biggest thing I’ve been picked on for so it’s always stood out to me. Also my height, 5’8 so not tall at least and of course penis size. I’m technically above average depending on which statistic you go by, but not significantly. So I know it’s silly but the insecurity isn’t that it’s small, though other dudes have teased me saying it was when they saw it flaccid, but that it’s not big, not an 8 inch cucumber. I’ve been kinda going down the rabbit hole fixating on the body image stuff and looking at a bunch of threads on height and penis size. With that I’ve seen a lot to confirm the insecurity but also a lot that shows I don’t need to be insecure and that I’m good. It’s all confirmation bias and as someone who’s already insecure it’s easier for the negatives to stick with me.

I realize a lot of this is emotional on my end, and I’m possibly fixating on body image to avoid making internal and external change in the way I see my self and in the way I act and pursue things in the world. It can be hard to feel confident when you feel or perceive that the prevalent message is that you shouldn’t be. I’ve also gotten enough confirmation that I should be though, I’ve gotten my fair share of attention from women over the years and have let a lot of opportunities pass me by due to my own insecurity and warped views of how people are and I don’t wanna do that anymore, I honestly can’t because it’s not a fulfilling way to live. Sorry for the rant but I’m just trying to establish where I’m coming from and where I’m at. What I’m looking for from here is just whatever advice and testimony I can get to get over the insecurities as well as the bias I have toward my self and how my value is as a sexual partner. How to cultivate more trust in others and to see things from a perspective that isn’t jaded from out the gate. I figured a lot of you on heat could relate to this in some way and it’s a sub dedicated to shedding old toxic believes so here I am