I remember being 16. i was 5’8 and 210 pounds and nobody wanted to talk to me unless they wanted drugs or shoplifted stuff i was selling. i hit 17 and started running and smoking cigarettes and the weight fell off (lost 20 pounds in a month). i could feel how differently people were treating me and it was jarring, but TRP was there. ensuring that it was because my “smv” had increased. skip forward to me getting tinder at 17. even though i had more confidence, i had been going to the same school as these girls since forever and they won’t see me for more than a fat nerd no matter how much i work out or talk to them, so a clean slate was my saving grace. i ended up matching with this cute alt chick and we talked about music for a long time (at the time, this was something i would never cave at. she has to enjoy the same music as me). the whole relationship was a lie because i lied to her about being in university (what uni chick is gonna want to fuck some random 12th grader from the suburbs). i ended up losing my virginity to that woman, but we were both so inexperienced, it was nice to be able to touch someone and just know that they wanted my touch, they wanted me. she wanted me to touch her however i wanted because i was garnering pleasure from touching her body and she was loving it. i ended up going to the mental hospital 3 months later after me and some friends got stuck up by someone with a gun and my dad said it was all my fault for putting myself in those situations.

i ended up meeting a girl at the mental hospital who quite fancied me. she was 16 and i was 18. i always consider myself actually losing my virginity to her because of how much better the experience was with her. regardless, i just liked feeling like i was someone’s desire. she was into CNC and i think it’s ruined sex for me. she always told me to “just go for it” and unless she was REALLY insistent on me stopping, i should just keep doing my thing.

we broke up after 2 years. her mental state was just getting worse. i was constantly picking up the pieces and thought it’d be best to “move on”.

i had a bit of a hoe phase while my ex worked on herself.

i eventually met this woman that i want to spend my life with, but my insecurities and internalized hatred for myself are ruining it. i’m trying to erase all the RP shit and actually work on our incompatibility , but i keep thinking “if i was more of a man, these problems wouldn’t arise. i’m just a little bitch”

relationships seem like more of a tight rope walk than anything. if it’s a casual relationship, you can just dip if the other person doesn’t want sex at that moment without feeling bad, but now sometimes my GF will stop sex/touching if i touch her in a way she doesn’t like and it’s really hard for me to cope/balance the idea of “she doesn’t want to have sex with me right now, but she still loves me”. because if she really loves me and sees me as her “alpha”, wouldn’t she just want me 24/7, no matter what? i just can’t stop beating myself up about not getting her turned on enough even when she tells me it’s not a big deal in the moment.

i just get so offended and think “an alpha wouldn’t have had this problem in the first place”, even though she’s just trying to help.

just wanted to rant