I married the first guy I ever dated. We were roommates first, then friends, then he pursued me romantically. A few months after our relationship became intimate, he lost interest and I told him I deserved better, so we broke up. Six months later, he hoovered me back and we recommitted to each other.

My weakness, that I loved him enough to ignore his character flaws, set the tone for our relationship.

Our relationship was ‘good’, but I’ve since realised that was because I’m quite good at relationships. Most of what we achieved in our shared life was down to my drive and determination. So our relationship succeeded as long as it did in spite of him subconsciously undermining it all. Not on purpose, but because it was the only way he knew how to operate.

He’s your classic LVM (low emotional intelligence, poor communicator, no perseverance, took everything for granted, resented his responsibilities) with an abusive streak (explosive anger problems) and narc tendencies (overblown sense of entitlement and lack of empathy).

Eight years, a new home, a marriage, and one baby later, while I was suffering from postnatal depression and anxiety, he left me. There was no warning. He simply came home in the middle of the night and told me he didn’t love me anymore. I was holding him back and wasn’t the wife he deserved. He had settled for me and he was moving out. He missed his old life of video games and motorbikes, and our son wasn’t enough of a reason to stay.

I didn’t find out about the affair with his 21yo coworker with until months later. That was the cherry on top of him devaluing and discarding me.

While I was cleaning out my desk earlier, I found this letter I wrote him during our first year of dating. While I wish I could give that earnest 23yo girl a big hug, I also want to go back in time and shake her. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

While I don’t regret our relationship at all, because it gave me my son, I could have avoided all the heartache and financial devastation of divorce if I acknowledged the red flags much earlier.

Good luck out there and listen to your gut.

I love you so much. This is hard but it's come to the point where I have to say it for my own sake. This is beyond "getting shitty" or whinging or whatever, so please try to understand and take it seriously.

The truth is that ever since you told me that us being together probably wouldn't result in anything serious, I've been unsure about everything. Unintentionally or not, you really hurt me. I feel like I'm not good enough for you and I'm just holding on until the other shoe drops. I've tried to explain this but I always do it wrong which is why I'm putting it in writing for clarity.

This has always been serious for me, I wouldn't have bothered to keep up a real relationship this long for anything less. To hear that I might have been wrong for the past year has been killing me, especially when you keep telling me you love me. I don't get how you can love me but not imagine or want any kind of future with me, even in an abstract way.

You'll probably say I'm over-reacting or taking it the wrong way but I'm so confused that I don't know what to do any more. I'm going to give you some space to think about what you really want. I know what I want now.

I want someone to be proud to call me their girlfriend and introduce me to their parents and friends. I want someone who takes me seriously and doesn't dismiss my feelings even if they seem trivial or make you uncomfortable. I want someone who isn't afraid to consider the possibility of a future with me. I love you so much and think you could be someone like that if you thought I was worth the effort.

So that's what I want you to decide. Because constantly waiting for the other shoes to drop is doing my head in. There's a simple solution to this situation, one way or the other. I consider myself lucky to have you and I'm always here if you need me, so come talk to me when you're ready.